Were these myths alive and well in your family? If you have 3 minutes, these veterans of some 400+ periods are sharing their stories - brilliant!!
I’ve never understood the phenomenon behind being hair-free and perfectly coifed for Christmas day, and this year, I’m no exception. We’re spending December 25th on the beach, so if there’s any chance of my swimsuit coming out, I need to be waxed. I am a hair-bear. I was also due for my six-weekly haircut, so if I didn’t get that done this week, I would have to wait ‘til New Year.
I’m sending special love to all the hairdressers and beauticians this time of year – I know how hard you all work to get us ready for Santa. I’ve been there. When I had my waxing salon, the week before Christmas was absolute mayhem! Thirteen-hour days, one client after another, no breaks and on your feet all day. Simply exhausting!
2012 has been a crazy, rollercoaster year for me. I launched my book in April after spending the previous five years writing, learning how to self-publish and bringing the whole book to life. My design team, my editing crew and my loyal family and friends helped me pull it all together and I am eternally grateful to all of them. Mikey, in particular, has been the most amazing, supportive and loving husband. I don’t know what I would do without this wonderful man by my side.
After the book launch, I went straight into marketing and working with my fabulous PR guru-ess. My background is in advertising and marketing, but somehow when it’s your own product, it’s different. Your heart and soul, blood, sweat and tears are in every page and dealing with the media isn’t easy. People either love or hate what you have to offer and I’ve had to toughen my skin. I’ve encountered some incredibly rude people this year, but what makes up for it is the awesome new people who have entered my life. The feedback from the book has been overwhelming. In small ways I have changed peoples lives, and that, to me, is the ultimate reward. I can’t thank you all enough for your support, your encouragement and your words of wisdom. I am truly blessed.
It’s now time to take a little break. Daycare is closing down for summer holidays, and we’ve decided to start renovating our house. I’m going to be a full-time mum and project manager in one. I’ll let you know how I get on.
I’m wishing you all festivus fabulousness and a spoonful of craziness for 2013. My thoughts go to all the people who have been affected by natural disasters, or have lost loved ones to crazed, not-worth-mentioning, gunman. Peace and beautiful angels to you all.
Happy holidays! SJx
Read that title again.
It’s not often we see the word awesome and vagina in the same sentence. Instead we are told how unacceptable it is. We are reminded that we smell and that we are too hairy and how loose we are.
Our vaginas are amazing! They can hold a tampon in place and comfortably accommodate a penis and lets not forget that they can also birth a baby. Hmmm when you line all those things up side by side not one of them is even remotely the same size so that in itself is a pretty clever trick. How do we hold in a teeny, tiny tampon and yet stretch to fit a penis?
It all comes down to the wonder of our design. When we engage in foreplay (I know some guys just don’t get it *sigh* we’ll have to save that for another blog!), it stimulates your uterus to contract and move back out of the way to make room for the penis (I can almost hear her mobilising the troops “Ok girls get ready and LIFT”). In fact all that tongue, tangling kissing (apart from being fun) helps your vagina to relax and open up as there is a direct link between your mouth and your other set of lips.
A loose mouth means a loose vagina. As soon as your mouth opens up, relaxes and softens so does your vajayjay. Try it and see for yourself.
I read about this during my first pregnancy in a book called Spiritual Midwifery where they recommended the husband kissing his wife during labour to help move the baby down the birth canal. As my own labour progressed and I was trying to push, I remembered this and relaxed my face, mouth and throat and sure enough on the next push out popped (ok it felt nothing like a pop! Trust me) my son.
We all know that we are supposed to do our pelvic floor exercises and this is why. All that lifting and shifting to make room for penises and pushing out babies’ means those girls get a bit loose over time and, just like any muscle, they need to be maintained.
A normal, healthy vagina is self-cleaning (not like those “self-cleaning” ovens they advertise that still actually have to be cleaned). All of those lovely juices we secrete are a self regulating cleaning system to maintain our vaginas pH balance, so if you are a little bit whiffy it means one of two things (1) you just had sex in the past 24 hours or (2) you have a medical condition and should see a doctor.
What this means is any time someone is joking about "fish" smells they are (a) jealous because they aren’t having sex (b) don’t realise that it is sperm (mixed with our heavenly scent) that smells (c) all of the above. So to all the men out there can you please realise just how tolerant we have been all these years for taking the blame for your smelly 'love seeds'? Thank you. And ladies, please realise what an awesome vagina you have. Yes, really!
Caitlin Grace is an Intimate Relationship Whisperer and Wellbeing Coach and feels she has been preparing for her role her whole life. She is an accredited Journey therapist, Reiki level 3 and EFT practitioner.
Caitlin’s driving passion is to help people live their best lives through empowering them to take charge of their own wellbeing. She is a strong advocate of the mind body connection and believes we can only be truly well when we have let go of our underlying limiting beliefs.
Caitlin has been married and divorced and has been in her current relationship for twenty years. She has three sons, four step daughters and nine grandchildren.
Caitlin is a self-proclaimed Sex Goddess and empowers other women to become the same.
You can read her blog posts here: http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/ and to book a session with her here http://www.cgrace4wellbeing.com/wellbeing-intimacy-packages.php
I love Kelly Osbourne. I watch her on Fashion Police every week, I follow her on Twitter and I want her fabulous purple hair! She’s been hit with almost everything life could possibly throw at her, yet she’s come out the other side, an inspiration. She’ll tell you she’s not perfect, but heck, who is?!
She recently attended the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women Awards and when asked what the best thing about being a woman was, she said, "The best thing about being a woman is having a vagina."
Well Kelly, I agree.
Vaginas are flippin’ amazing and so are the women attached to them. We orgasm, we bleed, we push babies out of them. Vaginas are as individual as snowflakes and it’s what sets us apart from our male friends. Kelly, you are equally amazing and, if you’re up for it, I’d love to have you appear on my celebrity vagina page. Just have your people, contact my people.
In other celebrity vagina news, Anne Hathaway has been photographed flashing her bush-free muff (à la Britney Spears). She was attending the New York premiere of Les Misérables when her super-tight Tom Ford dress rode up and revealed she wasn’t wearing any panties (you can see the uncensored photo here). Now I’m totally up for not wearing underwear to bed, I like to let my little lady friend ‘breathe,’ but to not wear nickers to a public event seems a little crazy to me.
I’ve been experiencing light bladder leakage lately and a big cough or a huge sneeze ultimately leads to a spot of urine in my undies. So there’s just no way I would go out, especially in a designer dress, without underwear. All I can say is, Anne, you must have a great pelvic floor!
Until next time, keep your undies on and your legs closed. SJxs_bukley / Shutterstock.com
This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.
If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.
I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.
So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.
As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.
One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.
So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.
I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).
Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x
With the exception of bills and junk mail, there’s something special about receiving news from a friend, a special invitation or, in this case, a review from one of my beautiful readers.
A few weeks ago, one early Saturday morning whilst still in bed, I reached for my iPhone and opened my inbox. Scrolling through my emails, I came across a name I didn’t recognise, but it didn’t appear to be junk mail. I opened it and this is what it said:
I have just finished your book 'The Vagina Buffet'. I loved the book and I am thanking you for writing it. I am a 67-year-old husband of 45 years with my dear wife Barbara and I have learned a lot about women and their vaginas. You would think I would know it all after 45 years of marriage, but an old dog can learn new tricks. At the end of your book you wrote, “If you love it, share it… with every woman you know.” I think you should include men in your statement. For a man to truly love and understand a woman he must understand what role the vagina plays in his loves life. It is the center of her being and reading your book brought this to light for me. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. I believe it would bring understanding and compassion to a woman’s well being and a conduit for discussion during their married lives. Again, thank you for writing such an informative and entertaining book.
North Carolina, USA
Jim and Barbara, I know I have personally thanked you both, but if you’re out, if you’re reading this blog post – thank you. I can’t tell you how this one email brightened my weekend and how much I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.
The kindest thing anyone can do for an author is to give him or her feedback. Writing a book, self publishing it, marketing it and getting people to love what you’ve written is a roller coaster ride at best. This email, for me, makes it all worthwhile.
Now I know Christmas is on our doorstep and I’ll be shamelessly peddling my book like crazy, but lets ponder the wise words of Jim. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. So if you have a wedding coming up and you’re stuck for gift ideas, consider a book that’s taught an old dog new tricks and brought new life to a 45-year marriage.
The Vagina Buffet – if you love it, share it, with every women (and man) you know.
Until next time, love your lady bits, or your lady’s bits, just that little bit more. SJx
I’ve been waxing and bleaching it ever since Peter Donnally* (a fellow 5th grader in primary school) turned to me in choir practice, pointed his finger in the direction of my upper lip and said, “You have a moustache!”
I was mortified of course, and this was the start of my long love affair with wax.
I usually wax once a fortnight, but if there’s a chance of another human being getting in close proximity to my face, I will add an additional wax to my fortnightly regime.
I’m the kind of girl who waxes her bikini line in preparation for a pap smear – please, don’t judge me.
So yesterday was one of those days where I knew another individual was going to be getting up close and personal. I was having an EEG, which is a test used to detect electrical activity in the brain. It involves sticking loads of small electrodes to your freshly washed head and a slightly larger electrode to your chest. Long story, which I am sure to blog about at a later date.
Prior to the appointment, I was helping my husband to change our daughter’s dirty nappy. I was stroking my lip hair asking him why he hadn’t told me my lady mo was becoming highly visible. When little Miss saw me caressing my face, she asked what I was doing and could she possibly see. I opened my mouth, pointed to the corners of my lip and scratched my dark hairs. Her immediate response, with a big smile on her face, was, “Mummy, you look like Hairy MacLary!”
Now if you’re a parent, an aunt, a nanny or someone who cares for children, you will be very familiar with Hairy MacLary from Donaldson’s Dairy. For those of you not so familiar with this well loved book, it’s the story of a black, shaggy-haired dog strolling the dairy with his doggy friends, Schnitzel von Krumm, Muffin McLay, Bottomley Potts and Hercules Morse. They run into a cat and, well, I don’t want to spoil the plot, but you know how mean cats can be (sorry cat lovers!).
By this stage I’m making a beeline for my professional wax pot to rid myself of my ‘Hairy MacLary,’ all the time thinking I could probably enter (and win) Movember disguised as a man. Then later, I discovered this…
Airtasker, a website that connects people seeking to outsource tasks, is offering ladies an opportunity to hire a man to grow a mo for Movember. Brilliant! If I didn’t already have my own mo going on, I would seriously consider taking up this offer. Perhaps next year I’ll have people sponsor me NOT to wax for a month?
Outsourcing hair growth – I’m always amazed at what internet people are willing to do for others.
Until next time, keep your wax pot warm! SJx
*Name has been changed to protect privacy.
Last Monday at my daughter’s playgroup, one of the mums was wearing shorts for the first time since last summer. I commented on how brave she was, thinking that it was still too cold to be wearing shorts. “I know, look how white I am,” she responded, and as she stuck out a leg, “Oh, don’t look at how hairy they are, I haven’t shaved since Friday.”
This woman is naturally blonde-haired and I couldn’t see any hairs at all on her legs from where I stood, and I doubt I would’ve seen any unless I had been 2cm away with a microscope! And you know what? I can’t count how many times over the years I’ve heard women saying the exact same thing. This got me thinking about why women are apologising for having body hair to other women, who I’m pretty sure, also have body hair.
Now, if anyone should be embarrassed about having hairy legs, it’s me. You see, I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs at school. Yes, that's right, I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs in high school. I’ll give you a chance to let that sink in. Then I’ll let you know that I’m dark-haired, so my leg hair is also dark. You could see it from across the other side of the playground (well, that’s what it felt like at the time). Funnily enough, I only remember being teased about it once (I like to think it was my sparkling personality, clever wit and sporting prowess, that helped, but I actually punched the guy, so maybe word got around…)
I solved the problem to some extent. I might not have been allowed to shave or wax, and I knew my parents would notice if I was suddenly hair-free. So, my solution was…tweezers. Yep, I spent hours in my room plucking out every second or third hair, so my mum never noticed, but yet I didn’t look like a gorilla. I never understood those Year 12 feminists who were allowed to shave their legs, BUT DIDN’T!! I mean, what’s so feminine about looking like a man?
Anyway, the point is that if anyone should have a hang-up about being hairy, it’s me. It should have cast a life-long psychological problem on me, where I neurotically spend every day shaving, plucking, waxing, lasering… or at least have a dislike of gorillas. But it didn’t. I shave my legs maybe once a week – yes, even in summer. I often go out and notice people staring at my underarm region, and realise that it’s probably due for some hair removal. As for my nether regions, I don’t keep to a strict regime. Sometimes there’s hair there, sometimes there’s not.
The only legacy that not being allowed to shave my legs left on me, is that I always thought I was “hairy”. It wasn’t until I read SJ’s book, that I realised I’m not actually that hairy compared to other women. I thought I was the only woman in the world with a few hairs in her bum crack. I now know that many women have it all over their behinds, on their bellies, down their thighs and on their nipples. How did I get to my late 30’s before I knew this? Oh that’s right… it’s because women pretend to other women they don’t have any body hair, and they’re embarrassed to even display a 2mm growth in public.
So, ladies, no more pretending to other women that we look pre-pubescent under our clothes. After all, the woman you’re pretending to KNOWS you’re pretending, because they have hair too. Now, repeat after me: “I’ll never apologise for having body hair again. I’ll never apologise for having body hair again. I’ll never apologise for having body hair again…”
Melissa, a former bookstore owner and librarian, has put her career on hold to be a full-time mum. She is passionate about books and reading and when time permits, she edits books for self-published authors.
So we’re a little behind in our E! News here in Australia. Last night we watched the season finale of Keeping up with the Kardashians, where Kourtney Kardashian pulled baby Penelope out of her own vagina.
Did you see it? Oh, if you have Foxtel, you have to see this episode!
I mean, I can barely bend down to tie my own shoelaces these days and Kourtney is, after many hours of labour, bending over, reaching for her daughter and pulling her right out of her lady garden! In all my years of listening to birth stories, this has never been mentioned. Not ever.
And in true Kardashian style, everyone was there. Scott, Kim, Kanye, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie, Kris, Rob and all of us. At first, I thought there were too many people in the room, but thinking back to my own daughters c-section birth, there was ten people in the theatre plus Mikey and it didn’t seem strange at all, in fact, it was quite comforting. This is what I love about the Kardashians though, they are a family and they share everything. My family is so dysfunctional, we can’t even get everyone together for a funeral. So for all their faults, and there are many, I still love them. They stick together, fanny flashing and all.
In other celebrity vagina news, author JK Rowling’s first book for adults The Casual Vacancy was just released. The book, which I haven’t read and probably wont, apparently contains the phrase “miraculously unguarded vagina”, so obviously the new book was dubbed “Harry Potter and the Miraculously Unguarded Vagina”. This is so much better and I would most likely consider buying it if it had this catchy title LOL. Although, like Naomi Wolf, myself and many others with “vagina” in their book title, Apple iTunes Bookstore would make it hard for readers to find. They’re not happy with the V word and initially censored it to v****a, until they bowed to public pressure and they are now displaying the word.
While we’re talking about books, I’m currently reading Signposts by Denise Linn. She describes how the universe is communicating to us through signs and tells us how to interpret coincidences and symbols in our life. I’ve only read the first few chapters, yet I’m thinking actress Olivia Wilde is all over this concept like a rash. Olivia has recently gone public about the end of her eight-year marriage to Italian prince Tao Ruspoli. Saying her vagina died and she knew it was time to go. In the signpost dictionary, Denise lists the vagina as a powerful symbol of womanliness and it is the inner valley of spirit.
I love Olivia, she listened to her inner spirit, she consulted her vagina and when her lady flower showed signs of wilting, she did something about it. Perhaps those of us with a vagina could take a minute every now and then. Powwow with our downstairs girlfriend and check to see if she’s ok.
I’ve done this many times and it works, so now it’s your turn. Let me know how you get on.
Oh, and Khloé, if you’re reading this, would you please take part in my celebrity vagina? I’d be ever so grateful.
Until next time, love your lady goodies with all the celebrity fanfare you can muster! SJx
Yesterday I looked in the mirror and decided I was long overdue for a stay-at-home-fix-my-face-up day. My eyebrows and eyelashes needed tinting and my lip, chin and nostrils needed waxing. I asked Mikey to help me and, of course, he said ‘yes’. My husband rocks when it comes to understanding what women need, he never questions me. And even though he thinks I’m naturally beautiful, he understands I need my little beauty treats every now and then. If it makes me happy, it makes him happy to.
What’s that saying…? Happy wife, happy life!
I was waxing myself in my office, which is also my beauty room. The room is at the back of the house and the window looks right onto the neighbours washing line. So I always close the blinds when I’m in beauty mode. We recently re-plastered the ceiling, so the room doesn’t have a light fitting. When the blinds are shut, all I have is a free standing lamp and a tiny desk light hovering above my wax pot. Not ideal for seeing facial hairs or mixing tinting solution.
I finished my waxing and began to prepare the tint solution. For the tint, I use brown on my brows and a mixture of blue-black and black on my eyelashes. When I pulled the tints out, the little stickers that tell you what shade the tint is had fallen off the black and the brown tint tubes. So in my dimly lit room, I was kind of guessing which one was which. And yes, you’ve probably guessed it by now, I put the black tint on my brows! Oh. Dear.
Mikey said I looked like the mono brow baby from The Simpsons.
When I reached into my tinting bag of goodies looking for my salon-strength tint remover, I discovered it had tipped over and it was completely empty. There was no tint remover to save me and, being Saturday, there were no professional salon supply stores open. So what did I do next? I applied more tint. This time, in a lighter shade of brown. I knew I would have to leave it on a long time to works its magic, so while the brow tint was on, I got Mikey to do my lashes (see photo number one).
After waiting ten minutes, I washed off the tint. My eyelashes were perfect and my eyebrows, well, they were only slightly lighter, but they still looked black (see photo number two). So I did what every other clear-thinking person would do – I Googled my troubles and discovered that this has happened to many other women.
Phew… I’m not alone.
My fellow Google users suggested these treatments:
- put lemon juice on your brows, sit in the sun and wait for them to lighten.
- use lip-bleaching cream on your brows (but don’t leave it on too long).
- alcohol (namely Vodka) or surgical spirit rubbed onto the brows.
- mayonnaise, dishwashing detergent or shampoo applied to brows daily; and
- simply wait for them to grow out!
Now I’m not recommending anyone else in the same situation try these. We do have to remember that our eyebrows are just above our eyes and we don’t want any of the above-mentioned dripping into them.
So after a mini meltdown and a lot of laughs from Mikey, I tried one more layer of lighter tint and decided I’d just wait for them to grow out. I don’t have any major functions on this week and I can stay at home for a few days and wear my big Jackie O sunglasses outdoors. It’s not the end of the world after all, it’s just my eyebrows and I’m grateful to have them.
How about you? Have you experienced any home beauty disasters? Leave them in the comments box below so together we can help other women with these small emergencies.
Until next time, happy grooming! SJx