Vagina Buffet

Poo Switch-a-roo

This morning, I went to my GP with some health concerns. Nothing major, but as I'm thinking of joining the gym, I wanted to make sure I was in tip-top condition. She gave me a quick examination in the surgery, then sent me away for some blood tests and a stool sample. 

Before I went for my tests, I stopped off for a quick bite to eat with my lovely friend Alana.

Over a tuna Turkish roll, I was telling her how my GP wants me to give her a stool sample. Alana's response was "I bet you get a poo story out of this!"

"How on earth would I get a poo story from collecting a poo specimen jar?" I thought. We finished lunch, said goodbye and I drove to the nearest pathology centre.

I walked in and the phlebotomist lady took my details. She asked me where my stool sample was and I explained that I had only just seen my Doctor and I had to collect a specimen jar before providing the actual specimen. She got a jar from the supply cupboard and left it on the front desk for me to take home.

She then led me into the consultation room and began to withdraw blood from my veins. I asked her how her day was and I unleashed a beast! She hadn't had lunch, her son was bashed in a pub Friday night, her daughter-in-law fell off a balcony and broke her nose, they spent 6 hours in the ER and she shouldn't have been at work because her grandson needed looking after. Poor love was almost in tears telling me. I wished there was something I could do to cheer her up. 

She placed a band-aid on my arm and walked me to the front desk. I thanked her for the painless procedure and headed out the door. I quickly remembered I left my specimen jar on the front desk, so I raced back to get it. Heading back towards the door, the phlebotomist lady screamed at me to stop. While we were in the room extracting blood, another person had called in to drop-off their poo specimen and had placed it on the desk, right next to my empty brown jar. In my rush to get home, I had picked up the specimen jar with the other persons poo sample!! O.M.G. I was heading home with someone else’s shit in my handbag! Mortifying yet hilarious. 

The phlebotomist lady checked the specimen jars and checked them again. She was almost on the floor laughing at what had just happened and said it was the funniest thing she’s ever seen in all her years in pathology. I’m glad she got a laugh, and the people in the waiting room too. Now everyone knows I’m submitting a stool sample tomorrow – let’s hope it’s less eventful than today’s brouhaha.   

How about you? Do you have a poo story? Thinking my next book could quite possible be about the brown stuff!

 

An evening with Kathy Lette

Last night, I met the very talented and extremely gorgeous, Kathy Lette.

I was first introduced to Kathy's work back in the early 80s at a friend's birthday/slumber party. It was a girls-only event and featured a late night dvd, "Puberty Blues" (Kathy's first novel, turned into a major film).

I thought my friend's mum was the coolest mum in town because my mum wouldn't let me watch it. She said it was too risque for my 13 year old eyes to see. It was my first introduction to adulthood and Vaseline-assisted sex.

Kathy was speaking at the Town Hall about her latest novel, The Boy who Fell to Earth. In between, there was loads of vagina talk, hair-raising waxing tales, her declaration to 'bring back bush' and the story of how she turned down a date with a young George Clooney.

What a great night - thanks Kathy, I really hope you enjoy my book. SJx

 

Move over Chanel, there's a new scent on the block!

Jennifer Love Hewitt recently tweeted "I use vanilla extract to attract men." Apparently, she carries a bottle of pure vanilla in her purse and dabs it on her neck to attract the opposite sex.

Yet you're not the first to try something other than the pure floral essence of Chanel No.5 behind your ears JLH. Back in the free-loving decade of the ’60s, it was vagina juice women were dabbing behind their ears. Yes, juice, from their vaginas!

During an interesting conversation with my father-in-law one evening, he was drunkenly reminiscing about his glory days as a young lad growing up in Northern England, courting the local women at the Mecca Dance Hall. It was the usual dance-scene scenario, single lads and single ladies out for a night “on the pull.”

According to paternal-one, it was common knowledge that women seeking men used to put their fingers into their vaginas and place their vagina juice delicately behind their ears. Complicated dating signals were obsolete at the Mecca, just a sniff of the “Canal No.1” (as it was affectionately known) and it sent the hormone-infused geezers mad, and they loved it!

On the second date, they dabbed their lady-lotion on their ankles!

How about you? Have you tried any alluring nectar's to attract a love interest?

SJx

To paraphrase Paris Hilton... "That's Hot!"

The Vagina Buffet has reached number 6 on Amazon's 'Hot New Releases" list in its first week. Thanks to everyone for the support, it's been a crazy ride!

Who invited a maxi pad to my wedding?

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I've been blilssfully married to my husband, Mikey, for eight years. We had an informal, early morning wedding by the beach, followed by a breakfast reception at Burleigh Heads on Queensland's Gold Coast. 

I got ready for my big day in record time - 45 minutes! The ceremony started at 8.30am, so no time for delays. Get dressed, in the car, drive to the restaurant and walk down the aisle, although the aisle had a little surprise guest I wasn't expecting.....

You see them in ladies’ room dispensing machines, you see them in the supermarket shopping aisles, but you don’t expect to see them while you’re walking down the aisle.

At the time of the pad incident, Mikey and I were living in London. We returned to Australia to get married with our family and friends in a restaurant on the beachfront. Very casual, very relaxed, no stress. My father was walking me down the makeshift aisle when, unexpectedly, he bent down to one side. Was he having a stroke? A heart attack? What was he doing? This was our wedding day damn it, he can’t keel over metres before the altar! As I hadn’t seen my friends in almost two years, my eyes were dashing around the room – I hadn’t even noticed the maxi pad my father was leaning over to quickly place in his side trouser pocket. Upon seeing the pad, my nervous giggle kicked in. Was I looking that gorgeous that no-one even noticed an unused sanitary napkin on the floor?

After giggling my way through most of the ceremony, we sat down to eat. People were asking me what the devil I was laughing about while exchanging vows. With all the excitement of marrying Mikey, I had totally forgotten about the pad incident and had to ask Dad to remind me of what had happened prior to the nuptials. I was wondering if it was a wedding day tradition I hadn’t heard of.  Did one of our guests have their period and drop a pad on the way to the ladies? I remember that when I was in high school, the mode of transport for a maxi pad was to place it in the top of your undies, against your tummy, holding it in place until you got to the loo – were women still doing this?

Did you have any uninvited guests to your wedding day?

This is an excerpt from my book, The Vagina Buffet, now available in eBook format here.