Vagina Buffet

The Word

The word ‘vagina*’ seems to be trending right now.  Last week, two female Michigan State congresswomen were barred from speaking on the House floor after using the word “vagina” while debating an anti-abortion bill. It has triggered the hashtag #sayvagina on Twitter and, as I have a Google Alert on the word “vagina,” my inbox has been flooded.

I personally don’t have a problem with the word. I use it hundreds of times a day and I bravely put it in the title of my book. The Vagina Buffet was the original title for my book, but when other people got involved, it changed. It went from ‘The Vagina Buffet’ to ‘The V Files,’ then to ‘The Whole Office Knows About my Vagina’ and for a short time, it was ‘The Pink Cupcake.’ Everyone had an opinion on the title of my book and finalising it was making my head explode.

The Vagina Buffet is actually a chapter in the book. It doesn’t refer to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of vaginas, but a statement my Renal specialist made to me during an appointment with him. I had to block out all the opinions on the title and go with my gut. It is my book after all and I stand behind it.  

There has been reactions though, and some not so fun.

When I changed the title back to its original name, several people decided to stop communicating with me. A couple of people have un-friended me on Facebook and many friends declined to ‘like’ my author page. Lots of friends refuse to follow me on Twitter and another friend of mine said if I put the word “vagina” on the title of my book she wouldn’t buy it and she wouldn’t support me. That’s ok. I appreciate her honesty. At least she said it to my face.

I struggled with these reactions for some time, I even cried over them. I like to think of myself as a nice person and even though I talk about vaginas a lot, I’m not dirty, and I would certainly never use the “C” word. I always write as if my mum and dad are going to read what I’ve written.

I’ve had to stop and think of the big picture.

I didn’t write this book to get approval from everyone I know. I understand it’s slightly controversial, but there’s an important message I’m trying to get to women and I’m passionate about doing so. 

I’m beyond grateful to all the people who love what I’m doing and have supported me unconditionally. I’m not going to let a few sour grapes ruin my mission. I want women to love their lady bits and I want parents to talk opening and honestly with their daughters about their bodies. After all, vaginas are special, so special in fact, they have their very own doctor and only us girls have them.

I love my vagina and I’m happy being part of the vagina clan.

How about you? How do you feel about your lady garden and can you easily say the word ‘vagina’ out loud?

 

* Yes, I know the correct terminology is vulva. Please don’t spam me.   

 

Who’s my snookie wookie?

By guest blogger Alana House.

I’ve always been blessed in the tress department. During my teens, Dad would marvel at the abundant strands he’d find hanging from light fittings, clogging drains, covering the carpet. It didn’t matter how many I shed, I always had plenty to spare.

Unfortunately, as I’ve grown older, I’ve started growing strands in other places. Wrong places. Frida Kahlo places. And worse. The problem with these sturdy new hairs is how fast they grow. One minute I’m smooth as a baby’s bottom, the next I’m a human cactus with spikey bits jutting in all directions.

I’m a bit vague, so I frequently forget to check for stray hairs before leaving the house. I’ll be chatting to someone in the school playground and feel something swaying in the breeze. Egads, the shame! Even though they probably haven’t even noticed. (She kids herself. Those Witchy Poo chin ones stand out like dog’s balls.)

I hide my hairy situation from Husband, despite having no compunction about doing other private stuff in his presence, like weeing while he’s cleaning his teeth. I mean, stray hairs aren’t exactly sexy, are they? Unless you’re dating Diego Rivera.

Actually, weeing while your partner’s in the bathroom isn’t that hot either, now I come to think about it*. It’s funny the lines we draw for ourselves.

Sometimes I’ll be lying in bed and feel something fluttering on my face. Occasionally it’s a cockroach. Argh. Argh. Argh. But usually it’s another bloody hair. I’ll yank at it in the dark, using my fingernails as a crude pair of tweezers. Husband will crossly wonder why the bed is reverberating and hiss: “What the hell are you doing???” I’ll be like, “ooooh, nothing, nothing.”

Fortunately I’ve learned from an ex-colleague how NOT to deal with hairy situations. She was driving to an interview when she noticed a whisker poking out of her face. She didn’t have any tweezers, so she got a cigarette lighter out of her glove box and burnt it off. She noticed a funny smell in the car and checked her face in the rear-vision mirror, only to discover she’d melted her false eyelashes into a spider-like mass. Ooops.

I tried waxing once. But I couldn’t handle the spotty rash afterwards, not to mention the stubble a few weeks later. If I had the dosh, I might consider that laser hair removal business, but I’ve heard it’s pretty ouchy. So I’ll just have to train myself to check automatically for hairs every night, the same way I trained myself to floss. Such a farking bore.

Geez I hate getting old. The whiskers, the wrinkles, the aches, the regrets. And I still get pimples. Cruel.

Tell me: what’s your (least) favourite part about ageing?

* Unless you’re Jack Nicolson, who allegedly liked women weeing ON him, according to a book called You’ll Never Make Love In This Town Again. (These days – again allegedly – he just makes visitors urinate in his garden to keep the raccoons away.)  

 

Alana is pottering around at home after 20 years in the same workplace, looking after two daughters, one husband and four chooks. You can find her website here or follow her on Twitter.  

My latest pharmacy find

I love strolling the aisles of my local pharmacy, I find something new every time I visit. This week, I found VagiTest – a vaginal pH tester.

I didn’t go to the pharmacy with any odour, itching or burning, yet after seeing the tester on the shelf, I had to know if my vaginal pH levels were imbalanced or not. I picked up the brightly coloured box and hid it underneath all the ‘normal’ stuff you buy, like moisturiser, dental floss and those yummy glucose jelly beans.

Does anyone else hide their embarrassing items under their ‘normal’ items? I wonder how many pharmacy assistants find condoms, lube and vagi testers strategically stashed under regular items? I’m always doing this, even when I’m shopping in the supermarket. I always put my naughty bits underneath nice, healthy fruit and veg so if I run into anyone I know they'll think I’m full-on into the good stuff, when in fact there’s a layer of chocs, biscuits and pre-packaged dinners underneath.

The VagiTest was simple and easy to use. You insert the slim end of the tester into your vagina, the same way you would use a tampon. You gentle press the tester against the wall of your vagina for 10 seconds, then remove it. The package has a pH interpretation scale on it, so you can read your results instantly.

And thanks to my acidophilus yoghurt for working its magic in my fanny - my test result was normal.

 

NB: VagiTest has not sponsored this post in any way, although I should probably approach them for some advertising dollars. 

 

Paperback: Where it's at

So the paperback edition of The Vagina Buffet is done and available on Amazon US, UK and Europe. I've ordered a large box of books for my PR campaign and, according to my DHL tracking number, my goods have left the Cincinnati Hub and are heading to Sydney, Australia. 

I'm bursting to get my hands on the first print run, but I wont have them long. My PR guru-ess has been working overtime and I have a fabulous list of media to distribute to.

I'm hoping to get the book into independent book stores across Australia and internationally further down the track. I will also be selling a limited number of books for those who have requested signed copies.

My design team has done an amazing job on bringing my book to life. I can't wait to have a copy take pride of place in my book shelf.

I wonder if anyone has been game enough to read it on public transport yet? If you have, send me a pic, I'd love to see it. SJx