Mikey said he married
me because he knew our lives together would never be dull.
Last week, I had a radio interview with ABC Newcastle morning presenter, Jill Emberson. This was my second interview about the book and I was nervous to say the least. I’m not sure about you, but I experience ‘nervous poos’ before going into anything outside of my comfort zone. Without going into too much detail, lets just say my bowls were void.
Hours before the interview, I woke up and was experiencing slight fever and a mild case of the chills. Mikey got me some pain relief and I went back to sleep. When my alarm went off, my stomach butterflies took hold and the nervous energy was racing through my body like a Formula One driver. I was breathing deeply and applying calming essential oils, but nothing was taming my nerves. I’m normally ok in this situation, but the interview was live and we were talking about pubes!
By the time I got to the station, I was feeling physically sick. “Just the nerves,” I thought, so I pushed through. The interview went well and Jill and her team was wonderful.
Once I got back into the car and the adrenaline had stopped pumping, my body started crashing. I called Mikey to tell him I was on my way home and to meet me at the garage door – I didn’t think I would be able to walk. My fever was rising by the second and every muscle in my body was aching. I was feeling disorientated and I’m really not sure I should have been driving.
Once Mikey got me into bed, I was finding it hard to control my emotions and my illness. I was blubbering and shaking and starting to become delusional. Mikey called our GP, but I couldn’t move, so he called the ambulance. The paramedics arrived within minutes and they immediately set me at ease. I guess you have to have some sort of personality in their line of business – the things they must see. I described my symptoms and told them about my interview that morning. They jokingly told me there was nothing they could do about my occupation, and once they found out my book was about vaginas, one of them proceeded to tell me his favourite fanny story…
“I once got called to the house of a 90 year old women. I walked into her bedroom and she couldn’t wait to tell me her troubles. She had ulcers all over her vagina and wanted me to see them. I declined and asked her how she had been treating them. ‘With that’ she said, as she pointed to a large tub of yoghurt sitting on her bedside table. She had been treating her ulcers for days by smothering her lady bits in yog!”
I had to laugh. It was probably much funnier how he told it. Yet I was also embarrassed, for I have used yoghurt to treat ladies stuff also, but I wasn’t about to share that information and I was still really ill. The paramedics decided to take me to the local hospital via ambulance. Before they did, Mikey grabbed a couple of copies of The Vagina Buffet and told them to spread the word (I guess one has to promote the book at every opportunity, right?!).
En route to the hospital, the ambulance officer asked if I could sign the book so he could give it to his wife. Not your everyday request, but one I was happy to grant.
Once I was registered and admitted into the ER, the doctor started some tests. I had been sick for some weeks. I had had bronchitis, a chest infection, several head colds and a cold sore. The doctor examined my body, took a chest x-ray and obtained a sample of my urine for testing.
I didn’t have long to wait and the results were back. I had a nasty urinary tract infection. I was given antibiotics and ordered to rest.
I thought my illness would probably have something to do with my vagina – it usually does.
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