Vagina Buffet

Keeping up with the celebrity vaginas

So we’re a little behind in our E! News here in Australia. Last night we watched the season finale of Keeping up with the Kardashians, where Kourtney Kardashian pulled baby Penelope out of her own vagina.

Did you see it? Oh, if you have Foxtel, you have to see this episode!

I mean, I can barely bend down to tie my own shoelaces these days and Kourtney is, after many hours of labour, bending over, reaching for her daughter and pulling her right out of her lady garden! In all my years of listening to birth stories, this has never been mentioned. Not ever.

And in true Kardashian style, everyone was there. Scott, Kim, Kanye, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie, Kris, Rob and all of us. At first, I thought there were too many people in the room, but thinking back to my own daughters c-section birth, there was ten people in the theatre plus Mikey and it didn’t seem strange at all, in fact, it was quite comforting. This is what I love about the Kardashians though, they are a family and they share everything. My family is so dysfunctional, we can’t even get everyone together for a funeral. So for all their faults, and there are many, I still love them. They stick together, fanny flashing and all.

 

In other celebrity vagina news, author JK Rowling’s first book for adults The Casual Vacancy was just released. The book, which I haven’t read and probably wont, apparently contains the phrase “miraculously unguarded vagina”, so obviously the new book was dubbed “Harry Potter and the Miraculously Unguarded Vagina”. This is so much better and I would most likely consider buying it if it had this catchy title LOL. Although, like Naomi Wolf, myself and many others with “vagina” in their book title, Apple iTunes Bookstore would make it hard for readers to find. They’re not happy with the V word and initially censored it to v****a, until they bowed to public pressure and they are now displaying the word.    

While we’re talking about books, I’m currently reading Signposts by Denise Linn. She describes how the universe is communicating to us through signs and tells us how to interpret coincidences and symbols in our life.  I’ve only read the first few chapters, yet I’m thinking actress Olivia Wilde is all over this concept like a rash. Olivia has recently gone public about the end of her eight-year marriage to Italian prince Tao Ruspoli. Saying her vagina died and she knew it was time to go. In the signpost dictionary, Denise lists the vagina as a powerful symbol of womanliness and it is the inner valley of spirit.

I love Olivia, she listened to her inner spirit, she consulted her vagina and when her lady flower showed signs of wilting, she did something about it. Perhaps those of us with a vagina could take a minute every now and then. Powwow with our downstairs girlfriend and check to see if she’s ok.

I’ve done this many times and it works, so now it’s your turn. Let me know how you get on.

Oh, and Khloé, if you’re reading this, would you please take part in my celebrity vagina? I’d be ever so grateful.  

Until next time, love your lady goodies with all the celebrity fanfare you can muster! SJx 

A shade too dark

Do you automatically think 50 Shades when you see the word ‘shade’ or ‘grey’ in the title? I do. But that’s not what this blog is about.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and decided I was long overdue for a stay-at-home-fix-my-face-up day. My eyebrows and eyelashes needed tinting and my lip, chin and nostrils needed waxing. I asked Mikey to help me and, of course, he said ‘yes’. My husband rocks when it comes to understanding what women need, he never questions me. And even though he thinks I’m naturally beautiful, he understands I need my little beauty treats every now and then. If it makes me happy, it makes him happy to.

What’s that saying…? Happy wife, happy life!

I was waxing myself in my office, which is also my beauty room. The room is at the back of the house and the window looks right onto the neighbours washing line. So I always close the blinds when I’m in beauty mode. We recently re-plastered the ceiling, so the room doesn’t have a light fitting. When the blinds are shut, all I have is a free standing lamp and a tiny desk light hovering above my wax pot. Not ideal for seeing facial hairs or mixing tinting solution.

I finished my waxing and began to prepare the tint solution. For the tint, I use brown on my brows and a mixture of blue-black and black on my eyelashes. When I pulled the tints out, the little stickers that tell you what shade the tint is had fallen off the black and the brown tint tubes. So in my dimly lit room, I was kind of guessing which one was which. And yes, you’ve probably guessed it by now, I put the black tint on my brows! Oh. Dear. 

Mikey said I looked like the mono brow baby from The Simpsons. 

When I reached into my tinting bag of goodies looking for my salon-strength tint remover, I discovered it had tipped over and it was completely empty. There was no tint remover to save me and, being Saturday, there were no professional salon supply stores open. So what did I do next? I applied more tint. This time, in a lighter shade of brown. I knew I would have to leave it on a long time to works its magic, so while the brow tint was on, I got Mikey to do my lashes (see photo number one). 

After waiting ten minutes, I washed off the tint. My eyelashes were perfect and my eyebrows, well, they were only slightly lighter, but they still looked black (see photo number two). So I did what every other clear-thinking person would do – I Googled my troubles and discovered that this has happened to many other women.

Phew… I’m not alone.

My fellow Google users suggested these treatments:

-       put lemon juice on your brows, sit in the sun and wait for them to lighten.

-       use lip-bleaching cream on your brows (but don’t leave it on too long).

-       alcohol (namely Vodka) or surgical spirit rubbed onto the brows.

-       mayonnaise, dishwashing detergent or shampoo applied to brows daily; and

-       simply wait for them to grow out!

Now I’m not recommending anyone else in the same situation try these. We do have to remember that our eyebrows are just above our eyes and we don’t want any of the above-mentioned dripping into them.

So after a mini meltdown and a lot of laughs from Mikey, I tried one more layer of lighter tint and decided I’d just wait for them to grow out. I don’t have any major functions on this week and I can stay at home for a few days and wear my big Jackie O sunglasses outdoors. It’s not the end of the world after all, it’s just my eyebrows and I’m grateful to have them.

How about you? Have you experienced any home beauty disasters? Leave them in the comments box below so together we can help other women with these small emergencies.

Until next time, happy grooming! SJx 

Mikey’s trip to the pharmacy

My Mikey rocks!

He's the type of husband who is unafraid to tackle the sanitary aisle of the supermarket and is not fazed by anything vagina-related (I guess he has to be, being married to me).

I’ve recently taken several courses of antibiotics, and when I woke at 3am this morning with itching, scratching and burning, I immediately knew it was thrush.

Icky subject, I know. But it's really common and it will probably affect all of us at some stage, men included*.

When I woke Mikey to tell him my vagina was on fire (and I knew we were out of non-fruity yoghurt), I asked if he would go to the pharmacy for me.

"Sure baby, of course. First thing in the morning."

And with that, he rolled over, went straight back to sleep and started snoring. I've forgiven him for the snoring as he is buying me lady treatments and he's not embarrassed to do so.

Yes, my husband truly is a special man.

Mikey described his lady-product hunt as “uncomfortable,” but he survived and lives to tell the tale. I asked him to get me one of each product, so I could make an informed decision at home. The pharmacy assistant thought it was complete overkill, but Mikey was under strict instruction, and he knows not to mess with my lady bits.

Now that the treatment is working its magic and my vagina has stepped away from the spotlight, I thought it timely to remind us all how to avoid vaginal thrush in the future. And the list goes something like this:

• Wear cotton briefs and avoid wearing tight-fitting panty hose and synthetic underwear.
• Wipe your bottom from front to back after going to the toilet. This will prevent the spread of Candida albicans from the anus to the vagina.
• Avoid using perfumed soap to wash the genital area.
• Avoid using bath additives, douches or vaginal deodorants in the genital area.
• Avoid using perfumed toilet papers and menstrual products.
• Wash regularly but do not wash and dry yourself harshly.
• Sugar (including fructose) feeds Candida, so you should avoid sugary foods, fresh fruit and alcohol. 
• Consider changing your clothes-washing detergent and don’t use fabric softeners.

So tell me, would your partner go to the pharmacy and fetch your lady products for you? Or is this totally out of the question?

Until next time, love your lady bits! SJx 

*Thrush treatment for women is stored behind the counter, so there's no avoiding the chat with the pharmacist. Men, however, can use the anti-fungal cream off the shelf (usually in the foot treatment department). It's labeled as treating tinea, but it can also be used on the penis and surrounding areas. Always check with your GP if unsure.