Vagina Buffet

A finer vagina

This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31^st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.  

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.

I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.

As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.

One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.      

So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.

I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).

Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x  

Jim gets it

The first thing I do every morning is open my email – sad, but true. I’ve done this most of my life and before the Internet became mainstream, it was the mailbox I was running to each day.

With the exception of bills and junk mail, there’s something special about receiving news from a friend, a special invitation or, in this case, a review from one of my beautiful readers.

A few weeks ago, one early Saturday morning whilst still in bed, I reached for my iPhone and opened my inbox. Scrolling through my emails, I came across a name I didn’t recognise, but it didn’t appear to be junk mail. I opened it and this is what it said: 

Dear SJ:

I have just finished your book 'The Vagina Buffet'. I loved the book and I am thanking you for writing it. I am a 67-year-old husband of 45 years with my dear wife Barbara and I have learned a lot about women and their vaginas. You would think I would know it all after 45 years of marriage, but an old dog can learn new tricks. At the end of your book you wrote, “If you love it, share it… with every woman you know.”  I think you should include men in your statement. For a man to truly love and understand a woman he must understand what role the vagina plays in his loves life. It is the center of her being and reading your book brought this to light for me. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. I believe it would bring understanding and compassion to a woman’s well being and a conduit for discussion during their married lives. Again, thank you for writing such an informative and entertaining book.  

Sincerely, 
Jim
North Carolina, USA 

Jim and Barbara, I know I have personally thanked you both, but if you’re out, if you’re reading this blog post – thank you. I can’t tell you how this one email brightened my weekend and how much I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

The kindest thing anyone can do for an author is to give him or her feedback. Writing a book, self publishing it, marketing it and getting people to love what you’ve written is a roller coaster ride at best. This email, for me, makes it all worthwhile.

Now I know Christmas is on our doorstep and I’ll be shamelessly peddling my book like crazy, but lets ponder the wise words of Jim. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. So if you have a wedding coming up and you’re stuck for gift ideas, consider a book that’s taught an old dog new tricks and brought new life to a 45-year marriage. 

The Vagina Buffet – if you love it, share it, with every women (and man) you know.

Until next time, love your lady bits, or your lady’s bits, just that little bit more. SJx

Hairy MacLary and the Airtasker Fairy

I have a very dark, hairy upper lip.

I’ve been waxing and bleaching it ever since Peter Donnally* (a fellow 5^th grader in primary school) turned to me in choir practice, pointed his finger in the direction of my upper lip and said, “You have a moustache!”

I was mortified of course, and this was the start of my long love affair with wax.

I usually wax once a fortnight, but if there’s a chance of another human being getting in close proximity to my face, I will add an additional wax to my fortnightly regime.

I’m the kind of girl who waxes her bikini line in preparation for a pap smear – please, don’t judge me.

So yesterday was one of those days where I knew another individual was going to be getting up close and personal. I was having an EEG, which is a test used to detect electrical activity in the brain. It involves sticking loads of small electrodes to your freshly washed head and a slightly larger electrode to your chest. Long story, which I am sure to blog about at a later date.

Prior to the appointment, I was helping my husband to change our daughter’s dirty nappy. I was stroking my lip hair asking him why he hadn’t told me my lady mo was becoming highly visible. When little Miss saw me caressing my face, she asked what I was doing and could she possibly see. I opened my mouth, pointed to the corners of my lip and scratched my dark hairs. Her immediate response, with a big smile on her face, was, “Mummy, you look like Hairy MacLary!”  

Now if you’re a parent, an aunt, a nanny or someone who cares for children, you will be very familiar with Hairy MacLary from Donaldson’s Dairy. For those of you not so familiar with this well loved book, it’s the story of a black, shaggy-haired dog strolling the dairy with his doggy friends, Schnitzel von Krumm, Muffin McLay, Bottomley Potts and Hercules Morse. They run into a cat and, well, I don’t want to spoil the plot, but you know how mean cats can be (sorry cat lovers!).

By this stage I’m making a beeline for my professional wax pot to rid myself of my ‘Hairy MacLary,’ all the time thinking I could probably enter (and win) Movember disguised as a man. Then later, I discovered this…

Airtasker, a website that connects people seeking to outsource tasks, is offering ladies an opportunity to hire a man to grow a mo for Movember. Brilliant! If I didn’t already have my own mo going on, I would seriously consider taking up this offer. Perhaps next year I’ll have people sponsor me NOT to wax for a month?   

Outsourcing hair growth – I’m always amazed at what internet people are willing to do for others.

Until next time, keep your wax pot warm! SJx

 

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Ms Hairy Legs

By guest blogger, Melissa Mansfield 

Last Monday at my daughter’s playgroup, one of the mums was wearing shorts for the first time since last summer. I commented on how brave she was, thinking that it was still too cold to be wearing shorts. “I know, look how white I am,” she responded, and as she stuck out a leg, “Oh, don’t look at how hairy they are, I haven’t shaved since Friday.”

This woman is naturally blonde-haired and I couldn’t see any hairs at all on her legs from where I stood, and I doubt I would’ve seen any unless I had been 2cm away with a microscope! And you know what? I can’t count how many times over the years I’ve heard women saying the exact same thing. This got me thinking about why women are apologising for having body hair to other women, who I’m pretty sure, also have body hair.

Now, if anyone should be embarrassed about having hairy legs, it’s me. You see, I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs at school. Yes, that's right, I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs in high school. I’ll give you a chance to let that sink in. Then I’ll let you know that I’m dark-haired, so my leg hair is also dark. You could see it from across the other side of the playground (well, that’s what it felt like at the time). Funnily enough, I only remember being teased about it once (I like to think it was my sparkling personality, clever wit and sporting prowess, that helped, but I actually punched the guy, so maybe word got around…)

I solved the problem to some extent. I might not have been allowed to shave or wax, and I knew my parents would notice if I was suddenly hair-free. So, my solution was…tweezers. Yep, I spent hours in my room plucking out every second or third hair, so my mum never noticed, but yet I didn’t look like a gorilla. I never understood those Year 12 feminists who were allowed to shave their legs, BUT DIDN’T!! I mean, what’s so feminine about looking like a man?

Anyway, the point is that if anyone should have a hang-up about being hairy, it’s me. It should have cast a life-long psychological problem on me, where I neurotically spend every day shaving, plucking, waxing, lasering… or at least have a dislike of gorillas. But it didn’t. I shave my legs maybe once a week – yes, even in summer. I often go out and notice people staring at my underarm region, and realise that it’s probably due for some hair removal. As for my nether regions, I don’t keep to a strict regime. Sometimes there’s hair there, sometimes there’s not.

The only legacy that not being allowed to shave my legs left on me, is that I always thought I was “hairy”. It wasn’t until I read SJ’s book, that I realised I’m not actually that hairy compared to other women. I thought I was the only woman in the world with a few hairs in her bum crack. I now know that many women have it all over their behinds, on their bellies, down their thighs and on their nipples. How did I get to my late 30’s before I knew this? Oh that’s right… it’s because women pretend to other women they don’t have any body hair, and they’re embarrassed to even display a 2mm growth in public.

So, ladies, no more pretending to other women that we look pre-pubescent under our clothes. After all, the woman you’re pretending to KNOWS you’re pretending, because they have hair too. Now, repeat after me: “I’ll never apologise for having body hair again. I’ll never apologise for having body hair again. I’ll never apologise for having body hair again…”

 

Melissa, a former bookstore owner and librarian, has put her career on hold to be a full-time mum. She is passionate about books and reading and when time permits, she edits books for self-published authors.