Vagina Buffet

A finer vagina

This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31^st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.  

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.

I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.

As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.

One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.      

So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.

I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).

Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x  

A shade too dark

Do you automatically think 50 Shades when you see the word ‘shade’ or ‘grey’ in the title? I do. But that’s not what this blog is about.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and decided I was long overdue for a stay-at-home-fix-my-face-up day. My eyebrows and eyelashes needed tinting and my lip, chin and nostrils needed waxing. I asked Mikey to help me and, of course, he said ‘yes’. My husband rocks when it comes to understanding what women need, he never questions me. And even though he thinks I’m naturally beautiful, he understands I need my little beauty treats every now and then. If it makes me happy, it makes him happy to.

What’s that saying…? Happy wife, happy life!

I was waxing myself in my office, which is also my beauty room. The room is at the back of the house and the window looks right onto the neighbours washing line. So I always close the blinds when I’m in beauty mode. We recently re-plastered the ceiling, so the room doesn’t have a light fitting. When the blinds are shut, all I have is a free standing lamp and a tiny desk light hovering above my wax pot. Not ideal for seeing facial hairs or mixing tinting solution.

I finished my waxing and began to prepare the tint solution. For the tint, I use brown on my brows and a mixture of blue-black and black on my eyelashes. When I pulled the tints out, the little stickers that tell you what shade the tint is had fallen off the black and the brown tint tubes. So in my dimly lit room, I was kind of guessing which one was which. And yes, you’ve probably guessed it by now, I put the black tint on my brows! Oh. Dear. 

Mikey said I looked like the mono brow baby from The Simpsons. 

When I reached into my tinting bag of goodies looking for my salon-strength tint remover, I discovered it had tipped over and it was completely empty. There was no tint remover to save me and, being Saturday, there were no professional salon supply stores open. So what did I do next? I applied more tint. This time, in a lighter shade of brown. I knew I would have to leave it on a long time to works its magic, so while the brow tint was on, I got Mikey to do my lashes (see photo number one). 

After waiting ten minutes, I washed off the tint. My eyelashes were perfect and my eyebrows, well, they were only slightly lighter, but they still looked black (see photo number two). So I did what every other clear-thinking person would do – I Googled my troubles and discovered that this has happened to many other women.

Phew… I’m not alone.

My fellow Google users suggested these treatments:

-       put lemon juice on your brows, sit in the sun and wait for them to lighten.

-       use lip-bleaching cream on your brows (but don’t leave it on too long).

-       alcohol (namely Vodka) or surgical spirit rubbed onto the brows.

-       mayonnaise, dishwashing detergent or shampoo applied to brows daily; and

-       simply wait for them to grow out!

Now I’m not recommending anyone else in the same situation try these. We do have to remember that our eyebrows are just above our eyes and we don’t want any of the above-mentioned dripping into them.

So after a mini meltdown and a lot of laughs from Mikey, I tried one more layer of lighter tint and decided I’d just wait for them to grow out. I don’t have any major functions on this week and I can stay at home for a few days and wear my big Jackie O sunglasses outdoors. It’s not the end of the world after all, it’s just my eyebrows and I’m grateful to have them.

How about you? Have you experienced any home beauty disasters? Leave them in the comments box below so together we can help other women with these small emergencies.

Until next time, happy grooming! SJx