Vagina Buffet

Dear Porn Searcher,

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is NOT a porn site. There’s no free pussy, wet pussy, or hot granny porn to click on. And you certainly can’t rate my pussy but you can see a beautiful and tasteful painting of my vagina here. I made it for my husband’s birthday and then ending up in hospital. I have truly suffered for my art.

But you don’t care for my painting do you? You just want to flog your log. Or were you actually looking for pictures of wet cats? Cats are very popular on the Internet these days. I've included a wet cat gif to make it easier for you. You can probably stop searching now and go about your day.

I mean, how do we get through the day without someone posting a photo of Grumpy Cat? But I digress...  

I understand I have the word ‘vagina’ in my URL, so it’s only natural that my site would pop up while you are surfing the web for porn. After all, porn doesn’t surf itself and you have needs, I get that. 

It’s unfortunate that those of us trying to promote women’s health are tarred with the same brush, but hey, I accept that. It was a controversial decision to put the word ‘vagina’ in my book title, but I went ahead and did it anyway.

If you’re still with me and you’re interested in knowing the real reason behind my confrontational title, please read on.

The Vagina Buffet is actually a chapter in my book. It doesn’t refer to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of vaginas, rather, a statement my Renal specialist made to me during an appointment with him. I wont bore you with it now; I know you need to keep searching. You can read the full story here if you’re interested.

So once you’ve satisfied your needs, feel free to visit my site again and buy a copy of my book. There are illustrations of real vaginas in the book and some funny stories you might find interesting. You may even learn a little something about women, which could lead to you spending less time searching the net and more time in an intimate relationship with an actual human being.

Thanks for stopping by; I hope you find what you’re looking for.

SJ x

 

Image: Shutterstock

Please enjoy... The Lovely Electric

Plenty of lady garden euphemisms in this little ditty! 

 

The news story behind the video. 

Santa Baby

I was just listening to Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” and the lyrics reminded me of my time in the salon prior to Christmas day. 

Come and trim my Christmas tree, 
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s.

Like hairdressers, beauticians are ridiculously busy before the arrival of the red-suited man. It’s a phenomenon I personally don’t understand, but for whatever reason, women must be waxed and their hair must be preened. Not all women of course, but a large majority.

In salon times, I worked 14-hour days before December 25^th. Brazilian waxing and placing sparkly Swarovski crystals on freshly waxed lady bits. All in the name of some lighthearted vajazzling fun.

But those days have gone and here we are at the end of another year.

It’s been a crazy one for me. Renovating our family home, entertaining a 4-year-old toddler and swapping waxing for laser hair removal. Oh, laser treatment, where have you been all my life?! I love you more than waxing itself.

I’m hoping to start writing again in the new year, but for now, I’m just trying to get through the festive fog. Thank you all for your unconditional support. I wish you the merriest of times and super safe travels.

Merry berries! SJx

 

Image: Shutterstock 

The day my upstairs/downstairs hair collided!

So I finally redeemed my Mother’s Day voucher – a deluxe facial and a back massage from my local beauty parlour (compliments of my super awesome husband and daughter).

I arrived for my mid-morning appointment and was ushered into a beauty room by one of the young beauticians. After I changed into the robe and was ready for my treatment, the young girl said she would start with my back massage. She then asked if I didn’t mind getting a little essential oil in my hair and the conversation went on from there…

Me: No, I don’t mind at all, in fact curly hair, like mine, loves oil, so go right ahead.

Beautician: Ok, great.

Me: And you wont believe what I’ve been putting in my hair this week. Oil is nothing!

Beautician: Oh really? What?

Me: KY Jelly!

Beautician: What?!

Me: I’ve joined a forum for curly girls and apparently this is the must-have product for curly hair! And the conversation went on from there until it was time for my no-talk relaxy time.

It all started several weeks ago. I gazed into the mirror and could no longer look at the triangular, frizzy mop that has become my hair. To say I’ve had a few bad hair days lately would be an understatement. Since becoming a mum, all things beauty related has taken a huge back seat.  So I decided to change everything.

I found a new hairdresser. She also has curly hair, so she understands it and is passionate about bringing curls to life. I also joined a forum of curly girls to hunt down that perfect frizz-reducing product. As I mentioned to the beautician, I soon discovered the secret underworld powers of KY Jelly. Google it. You'll be amazed how many people are using it and swear by it. Apparently KY has the same ingredients as this super amazing, frizz taming stuff called Curl Keeper, only half the price. 

It was around the same time that I paid a visit to my gyneacologist. We were discussing all things vagina, when he paused, looked up and said, “Have I ever told you to wash your vagina with hair conditioner?”

“Um, no. No you haven’t.” “You’ve told me all the things I should not put on my vagina, but we’ve never discussed what I can put on my vagina.” Years earlier, after applying paint, tea tree oil, yoghurt and paw paw cream to my lady bits I was told to leave it alone. “Don’t touch it!” “It’s a self cleaning organ!” So I didn't go near it. For years.

My Gynaecologist recommended hair conditioner for my vag as it is more acidic* than soap. Soap is bad news for us girls, but hair conditioner much more suited to the environment of our beautiful lady gardens. It is, of course, only for the outside skin, not for internal application.

Once I was over the initial shock of the whole conditioner-on-my-fanny thing, I asked my OB/GYN what product would work best? I have my Paul Mitchell Super Rich Detangling Conditioner or my Kérastase Oléo-Curl Intense. He seemed to think the Paul Mitchell detangling conditioner would be perfectly fine, but coming from a man that barely has any hair, worried me.   

I now feel like I’m living in a bizzaro world (à la Seinfeld), filled with hair products for your vagina and vagina products for your hair! How did these two worlds collide? And where was I when the product-swapping memo was handed out? I mean, I’ve heard of models putting hemorrhoid cream under their eyes to reduce puffiness, but KY in your hair and conditioner on your lady bits was something new all together!

Not sure about you, but the world of hair, beauty and personal grooming products totally overwhelms me, and now, even more so. I’ve tried a plethora of products and now I’m looking outside the box and turning to my pantry. Avocado, honey and apple cider vinegar has now joined my hair posse of products. I was once told I had a “smorgasbord” on my vagina and now it seems I have half a pantry and a bathroom cabinet on my hair. All in the pursuit of lovely locks!  

So lets raise a cocktail glass to happy hair days! If you have any product tips (hair or otherwise), I'd love to hear from you. Afterall, what's another vegetable in the mix!

Peace, love and luscious locks.... SJ x

For curly girls all around the world, here’s where I’ve recently been hanging out: www.naturallycurly.com and Aussie Curly Girls (Facebook page).

* I found this article useful in explaining the vaginal ecosystem. 

Images: Shutterstock

To Brazilian or not to Brazilian?

This is today’s burning question, and a pretty serious one, at that.

Shortly, I’ll be ditching the wax pot and taking the plunge into laser hair removal. I’ve resisted it for ages, but now that the prices are comparable to a wax treatment, and it takes a very short amount of time, it seems to make more sense to go ahead with it now.

I’ve booked in to have a full leg, underarm and a Brazilian done. The only problem I have, is that I haven’t had a Brazilian wax since my daughter was born over 4 years ago. When I had my Brazilian waxing salon, I waxed all the time. All. The. Time. And now, not so much. It’s mainly down to time (and lack of it). Running after a toddler takes up far more time than I ever thought possible. But there’s also something else preventing me from having a full Brazilian and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I first started Brazilian waxing to impress my husband - I did it for his birthday one year. He loved it, so I kept going. Now that I have a daughter, it’s different. I have a responsibility. Every decision I make, impacts her. I’m her mummy, the person she learns from and hopefully looks up to. I’m happy for her to know that I wax. In fact she has seen me wax my lip since she was a baby, so it’s normal for her to have a mummy with pink stuff on her face from time to time. What I want her to know is that it’s normal to have pubic hair. It’s natural and it’s all part of growing up. I’ve always been an advocate of having some hair, just making it look a little tidier and not poking out of undies. I really don’t understand the pre-pubescent look – why would anyone want to look like a little girl when you could be looking like a women?

So, for me, it’s a pretty serious decision. Laser is, after all, permanent and I don’t want to regret my choice. I will be leaving hair at the front (covering my pubic bone), but it’s whether I take it that one step further and have it removed from my labia majora or I just have a brief bikini-type situation?

I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this one. I know there’s greater problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s a biggy. It’s my daughter and I’m her world.

Love and laser beams! SJ x

Myths as Magical as Unicorns!

Were these myths alive and well in your family? If you have 3 minutes, these veterans of some 400+ periods are sharing their stories - brilliant!!

Your awesome vagina

By guest blogger, Caitlin Grace

Read that title again.

It’s not often we see the word awesome and vagina in the same sentence. Instead we are told how unacceptable it is. We are reminded that we smell and that we are too hairy and how loose we are.

Our vaginas are amazing! They can hold a tampon in place and comfortably accommodate a penis and lets not forget that they can also birth a baby. Hmmm when you line all those things up side by side not one of them is even remotely the same size so that in itself is a pretty clever trick. How do we hold in a teeny, tiny tampon and yet stretch to fit a penis?

It all comes down to the wonder of our design. When we engage in foreplay (I know some guys just don’t get it *sigh* we’ll have to save that for another blog!), it stimulates your uterus to contract and move back out of the way to make room for the penis (I can almost hear her mobilising the troops “Ok girls get ready and LIFT”). In fact all that tongue, tangling kissing (apart from being fun) helps your vagina to relax and open up as there is a direct link between your mouth and your other set of lips.

A loose mouth means a loose vagina. As soon as your mouth opens up, relaxes and softens so does your vajayjay. Try it and see for yourself.

I read about this during my first pregnancy in a book called Spiritual Midwifery where they recommended the husband kissing his wife during labour to help move the baby down the birth canal. As my own labour progressed and I was trying to push, I remembered this and relaxed my face, mouth and throat and sure enough on the next push out popped (ok it felt nothing like a pop! Trust me) my son.

We all know that we are supposed to do our pelvic floor exercises and this is why. All that lifting and shifting to make room for penises and pushing out babies’ means those girls get a bit loose over time and, just like any muscle, they need to be maintained.

A normal, healthy vagina is self-cleaning (not like those “self-cleaning” ovens they advertise that still actually have to be cleaned). All of those lovely juices we secrete are a self regulating cleaning system to maintain our vaginas pH balance, so if you are a little bit whiffy it means one of two things (1) you just had sex in the past 24 hours or (2) you have a medical condition and should see a doctor.

What this means is any time someone is joking about "fish" smells they are (a) jealous because they aren’t having sex (b) don’t realise that it is sperm (mixed with our heavenly scent) that smells (c) all of the above. So to all the men out there can you please realise just how tolerant we have been all these years for taking the blame for your smelly 'love seeds'? Thank you. And ladies, please realise what an awesome vagina you have. Yes, really!

 

Caitlin Grace is an Intimate Relationship Whisperer and Wellbeing Coach and feels she has been preparing for her role her whole life. She is an accredited Journey therapist, Reiki level 3 and EFT practitioner.

Caitlin’s driving passion is to help people live their best lives through empowering them to take charge of their own wellbeing. She is a strong advocate of the mind body connection and believes we can only be truly well when we have let go of our underlying limiting beliefs.

Caitlin has been married and divorced and has been in her current relationship for twenty years. She has three sons, four step daughters and nine grandchildren.

Caitlin is a self-proclaimed Sex Goddess and empowers other women to become the same.

You can read her blog posts here: http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/  and to book a session with her here http://www.cgrace4wellbeing.com/wellbeing-intimacy-packages.php

 

In celebrity vagina news...

I love Kelly Osbourne. I watch her on Fashion Police every week, I follow her on Twitter and I want her fabulous purple hair! She’s been hit with almost everything life could possibly throw at her, yet she’s come out the other side, an inspiration. She’ll tell you she’s not perfect, but heck, who is?!

She recently attended the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women Awards and when asked what the best thing about being a woman was, she said, "The best thing about being a woman is having a vagina."

Well Kelly, I agree. 

Vaginas are flippin’ amazing and so are the women attached to them. We orgasm, we bleed, we push babies out of them. Vaginas are as individual as snowflakes and it’s what sets us apart from our male friends. Kelly, you are equally amazing and, if you’re up for it, I’d love to have you appear on my celebrity vagina page. Just have your people, contact my people. 

In other celebrity vagina news, Anne Hathaway has been photographed flashing her bush-free muff (à la Britney Spears). She was attending the New York premiere of Les Misérables when her super-tight Tom Ford dress rode up and revealed she wasn’t wearing any panties (you can see the uncensored photo here). Now I’m totally up for not wearing underwear to bed, I like to let my little lady friend ‘breathe,’ but to not wear nickers to a public event seems a little crazy to me.

I’ve been experiencing light bladder leakage lately and a big cough or a huge sneeze ultimately leads to a spot of urine in my undies. So there’s just no way I would go out, especially in a designer dress, without underwear. All I can say is, Anne, you must have a great pelvic floor!

Until next time, keep your undies on and your legs closed. SJx 

s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

A finer vagina

This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31^st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.  

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.

I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.

As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.

One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.      

So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.

I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).

Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x  

Jim gets it

The first thing I do every morning is open my email – sad, but true. I’ve done this most of my life and before the Internet became mainstream, it was the mailbox I was running to each day.

With the exception of bills and junk mail, there’s something special about receiving news from a friend, a special invitation or, in this case, a review from one of my beautiful readers.

A few weeks ago, one early Saturday morning whilst still in bed, I reached for my iPhone and opened my inbox. Scrolling through my emails, I came across a name I didn’t recognise, but it didn’t appear to be junk mail. I opened it and this is what it said: 

Dear SJ:

I have just finished your book 'The Vagina Buffet'. I loved the book and I am thanking you for writing it. I am a 67-year-old husband of 45 years with my dear wife Barbara and I have learned a lot about women and their vaginas. You would think I would know it all after 45 years of marriage, but an old dog can learn new tricks. At the end of your book you wrote, “If you love it, share it… with every woman you know.”  I think you should include men in your statement. For a man to truly love and understand a woman he must understand what role the vagina plays in his loves life. It is the center of her being and reading your book brought this to light for me. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. I believe it would bring understanding and compassion to a woman’s well being and a conduit for discussion during their married lives. Again, thank you for writing such an informative and entertaining book.  

Sincerely, 
Jim
North Carolina, USA 

Jim and Barbara, I know I have personally thanked you both, but if you’re out, if you’re reading this blog post – thank you. I can’t tell you how this one email brightened my weekend and how much I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

The kindest thing anyone can do for an author is to give him or her feedback. Writing a book, self publishing it, marketing it and getting people to love what you’ve written is a roller coaster ride at best. This email, for me, makes it all worthwhile.

Now I know Christmas is on our doorstep and I’ll be shamelessly peddling my book like crazy, but lets ponder the wise words of Jim. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. So if you have a wedding coming up and you’re stuck for gift ideas, consider a book that’s taught an old dog new tricks and brought new life to a 45-year marriage. 

The Vagina Buffet – if you love it, share it, with every women (and man) you know.

Until next time, love your lady bits, or your lady’s bits, just that little bit more. SJx