Vagina Buffet

Jim gets it

The first thing I do every morning is open my email – sad, but true. I’ve done this most of my life and before the Internet became mainstream, it was the mailbox I was running to each day.

With the exception of bills and junk mail, there’s something special about receiving news from a friend, a special invitation or, in this case, a review from one of my beautiful readers.

A few weeks ago, one early Saturday morning whilst still in bed, I reached for my iPhone and opened my inbox. Scrolling through my emails, I came across a name I didn’t recognise, but it didn’t appear to be junk mail. I opened it and this is what it said: 

Dear SJ:

I have just finished your book 'The Vagina Buffet'. I loved the book and I am thanking you for writing it. I am a 67-year-old husband of 45 years with my dear wife Barbara and I have learned a lot about women and their vaginas. You would think I would know it all after 45 years of marriage, but an old dog can learn new tricks. At the end of your book you wrote, “If you love it, share it… with every woman you know.”  I think you should include men in your statement. For a man to truly love and understand a woman he must understand what role the vagina plays in his loves life. It is the center of her being and reading your book brought this to light for me. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. I believe it would bring understanding and compassion to a woman’s well being and a conduit for discussion during their married lives. Again, thank you for writing such an informative and entertaining book.  

Sincerely, 
Jim
North Carolina, USA 

Jim and Barbara, I know I have personally thanked you both, but if you’re out, if you’re reading this blog post – thank you. I can’t tell you how this one email brightened my weekend and how much I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

The kindest thing anyone can do for an author is to give him or her feedback. Writing a book, self publishing it, marketing it and getting people to love what you’ve written is a roller coaster ride at best. This email, for me, makes it all worthwhile.

Now I know Christmas is on our doorstep and I’ll be shamelessly peddling my book like crazy, but lets ponder the wise words of Jim. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. So if you have a wedding coming up and you’re stuck for gift ideas, consider a book that’s taught an old dog new tricks and brought new life to a 45-year marriage. 

The Vagina Buffet – if you love it, share it, with every women (and man) you know.

Until next time, love your lady bits, or your lady’s bits, just that little bit more. SJx

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no vagina?

Last week I bought my daughter a worm farm. I thought it would be great to teach her how to be more environmentally responsible and to give her a little project to call her own. I posted this comment on social media and got some comical replies:

Purchased our first family worm farm today. The 'worm menu' includes tea bags, egg shells, pizza cartons and hair clippings - I wonder if they would also eat pubic hair?  

I didn’t say this to be crude, but if you’ve read my book, you’ll know that Mikey (husband) and I, regularly groom one another and this includes pubic hair trimming. I’m yet to feed the worms our short ‘n curly clippings, so I’ll keep you posted on this one.  

In between worm farms, being a mum and taking a short trip to Brisbane, I’ve been working hard at marketing my book. I’ve self-published, so it’s all down to me and how I use my background in advertising. I think I’ve ticked almost everything off the marketing list and my PR guru and I have been vigilantly contacting media. I’m taking a break from the media though, I’ve become slightly disheartened. I understand they receive book after book, media release after media release, but it doesn’t take much to send a short reply – thanks, but no thanks. This is only a small number of people however and most have been amazingly supportive, for which, I’m truly grateful.   

My daughter was at home with me yesterday, so we set about maintaining her factory of worms. We needed organic garden soil to sprinkle on top of the food scraps, so we headed to our local hardware store for some worm dirt. I purchased a $4 bucket of soil and waited at the counter for the lovely lady to serve me. In the meantime, her male work colleague was in the middle of telling a joke to another customer and it went like this:

Hardware man: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Customer: No idea (get it, no-eye-deer)

Hardware man: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Customer: [long pause and doesn’t reply]
Me: Still no idea! (Yes, I’ve heard this joke before… many times!)

Me: Do you want to hear a rude version of that joke?
Everyone around the counter: Yes!
Me: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no vagina?
Hardware lady: Still no f*#king idea!   

The hardware man was a little embarrassed and left to collect more buckets of dirt (they were a popular buy yesterday!). I apologised to everyone around the counter and quickly realised I had said the word “vagina” in a hardware store. In a split second, I thought, I can stop here or I can keep going and somehow mention my lady garden book.

So I went for it.

“I’m allowed to talk about vaginas – I’ve written a book about them,” I blurted out (not knowing how everyone would react). The lovely hardware lady quickly responded and said she remembered seeing an article about the book in last weeks’ local newspaper. “That’s me!” I said and she excitedly asked where she could purchase a copy of my book. As I had a couple of copies in the car, I sold them to her and personally signed them. She was showing the book to people in the car park and spruiking about how she had just met “The vagina lady!”

So this is it – my new marketing plan. I’ll still continue looking for new ways to promote my book, but for now, I’m getting out of the house more. I’m talking to people face-to-face and hoping to stumble upon more opportunities to throw in a vagina joke to a group of random people.

Wish me luck and keep on loving your lady bits! SJx