Vagina Buffet

Your awesome vagina

By guest blogger, Caitlin Grace

Read that title again.

It’s not often we see the word awesome and vagina in the same sentence. Instead we are told how unacceptable it is. We are reminded that we smell and that we are too hairy and how loose we are.

Our vaginas are amazing! They can hold a tampon in place and comfortably accommodate a penis and lets not forget that they can also birth a baby. Hmmm when you line all those things up side by side not one of them is even remotely the same size so that in itself is a pretty clever trick. How do we hold in a teeny, tiny tampon and yet stretch to fit a penis?

It all comes down to the wonder of our design. When we engage in foreplay (I know some guys just don’t get it *sigh* we’ll have to save that for another blog!), it stimulates your uterus to contract and move back out of the way to make room for the penis (I can almost hear her mobilising the troops “Ok girls get ready and LIFT”). In fact all that tongue, tangling kissing (apart from being fun) helps your vagina to relax and open up as there is a direct link between your mouth and your other set of lips.

A loose mouth means a loose vagina. As soon as your mouth opens up, relaxes and softens so does your vajayjay. Try it and see for yourself.

I read about this during my first pregnancy in a book called Spiritual Midwifery where they recommended the husband kissing his wife during labour to help move the baby down the birth canal. As my own labour progressed and I was trying to push, I remembered this and relaxed my face, mouth and throat and sure enough on the next push out popped (ok it felt nothing like a pop! Trust me) my son.

We all know that we are supposed to do our pelvic floor exercises and this is why. All that lifting and shifting to make room for penises and pushing out babies’ means those girls get a bit loose over time and, just like any muscle, they need to be maintained.

A normal, healthy vagina is self-cleaning (not like those “self-cleaning” ovens they advertise that still actually have to be cleaned). All of those lovely juices we secrete are a self regulating cleaning system to maintain our vaginas pH balance, so if you are a little bit whiffy it means one of two things (1) you just had sex in the past 24 hours or (2) you have a medical condition and should see a doctor.

What this means is any time someone is joking about "fish" smells they are (a) jealous because they aren’t having sex (b) don’t realise that it is sperm (mixed with our heavenly scent) that smells (c) all of the above. So to all the men out there can you please realise just how tolerant we have been all these years for taking the blame for your smelly 'love seeds'? Thank you. And ladies, please realise what an awesome vagina you have. Yes, really!

 

Caitlin Grace is an Intimate Relationship Whisperer and Wellbeing Coach and feels she has been preparing for her role her whole life. She is an accredited Journey therapist, Reiki level 3 and EFT practitioner.

Caitlin’s driving passion is to help people live their best lives through empowering them to take charge of their own wellbeing. She is a strong advocate of the mind body connection and believes we can only be truly well when we have let go of our underlying limiting beliefs.

Caitlin has been married and divorced and has been in her current relationship for twenty years. She has three sons, four step daughters and nine grandchildren.

Caitlin is a self-proclaimed Sex Goddess and empowers other women to become the same.

You can read her blog posts here: http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/  and to book a session with her here http://www.cgrace4wellbeing.com/wellbeing-intimacy-packages.php

 

Mikey’s trip to the pharmacy

My Mikey rocks!

He's the type of husband who is unafraid to tackle the sanitary aisle of the supermarket and is not fazed by anything vagina-related (I guess he has to be, being married to me).

I’ve recently taken several courses of antibiotics, and when I woke at 3am this morning with itching, scratching and burning, I immediately knew it was thrush.

Icky subject, I know. But it's really common and it will probably affect all of us at some stage, men included*.

When I woke Mikey to tell him my vagina was on fire (and I knew we were out of non-fruity yoghurt), I asked if he would go to the pharmacy for me.

"Sure baby, of course. First thing in the morning."

And with that, he rolled over, went straight back to sleep and started snoring. I've forgiven him for the snoring as he is buying me lady treatments and he's not embarrassed to do so.

Yes, my husband truly is a special man.

Mikey described his lady-product hunt as “uncomfortable,” but he survived and lives to tell the tale. I asked him to get me one of each product, so I could make an informed decision at home. The pharmacy assistant thought it was complete overkill, but Mikey was under strict instruction, and he knows not to mess with my lady bits.

Now that the treatment is working its magic and my vagina has stepped away from the spotlight, I thought it timely to remind us all how to avoid vaginal thrush in the future. And the list goes something like this:

• Wear cotton briefs and avoid wearing tight-fitting panty hose and synthetic underwear.
• Wipe your bottom from front to back after going to the toilet. This will prevent the spread of Candida albicans from the anus to the vagina.
• Avoid using perfumed soap to wash the genital area.
• Avoid using bath additives, douches or vaginal deodorants in the genital area.
• Avoid using perfumed toilet papers and menstrual products.
• Wash regularly but do not wash and dry yourself harshly.
• Sugar (including fructose) feeds Candida, so you should avoid sugary foods, fresh fruit and alcohol. 
• Consider changing your clothes-washing detergent and don’t use fabric softeners.

So tell me, would your partner go to the pharmacy and fetch your lady products for you? Or is this totally out of the question?

Until next time, love your lady bits! SJx 

*Thrush treatment for women is stored behind the counter, so there's no avoiding the chat with the pharmacist. Men, however, can use the anti-fungal cream off the shelf (usually in the foot treatment department). It's labeled as treating tinea, but it can also be used on the penis and surrounding areas. Always check with your GP if unsure. 

Book Signing in an Ambulance

Mikey said he married me because he knew our lives together would never be dull.

Last week, I had a radio interview with ABC Newcastle morning presenter, Jill Emberson. This was my second interview about the book and I was nervous to say the least. I’m not sure about you, but I experience ‘nervous poos’ before going into anything outside of my comfort zone. Without going into too much detail, lets just say my bowls were void.

Hours before the interview, I woke up and was experiencing slight fever and a mild case of the chills. Mikey got me some pain relief and I went back to sleep. When my alarm went off, my stomach butterflies took hold and the nervous energy was racing through my body like a Formula One driver.  I was breathing deeply and applying calming essential oils, but nothing was taming my nerves. I’m normally ok in this situation, but the interview was live and we were talking about pubes!

By the time I got to the station, I was feeling physically sick. “Just the nerves,” I thought, so I pushed through. The interview went well and Jill and her team was wonderful.

Once I got back into the car and the adrenaline had stopped pumping, my body started crashing. I called Mikey to tell him I was on my way home and to meet me at the garage door – I didn’t think I would be able to walk. My fever was rising by the second and every muscle in my body was aching. I was feeling disorientated and I’m really not sure I should have been driving.

Once Mikey got me into bed, I was finding it hard to control my emotions and my illness. I was blubbering and shaking and starting to become delusional. Mikey called our GP, but I couldn’t move, so he called the ambulance. The paramedics arrived within minutes and they immediately set me at ease. I guess you have to have some sort of personality in their line of business – the things they must see. I described my symptoms and told them about my interview that morning. They jokingly told me there was nothing they could do about my occupation, and once they found out my book was about vaginas, one of them proceeded to tell me his favourite fanny story…

“I once got called to the house of a 90 year old women. I walked into her bedroom and she couldn’t wait to tell me her troubles. She had ulcers all over her vagina and wanted me to see them. I declined and asked her how she had been treating them. ‘With that’ she said, as she pointed to a large tub of yoghurt sitting on her bedside table.  She had been treating her ulcers for days by smothering her lady bits in yog!”

I had to laugh. It was probably much funnier how he told it. Yet I was also embarrassed, for I have used yoghurt to treat ladies stuff also, but I wasn’t about to share that information and I was still really ill. The paramedics decided to take me to the local hospital via ambulance. Before they did, Mikey grabbed a couple of copies of The Vagina Buffet and told them to spread the word (I guess one has to promote the book at every opportunity, right?!).

En route to the hospital, the ambulance officer asked if I could sign the book so he could give it to his wife. Not your everyday request, but one I was happy to grant.

Once I was registered and admitted into the ER, the doctor started some tests. I had been sick for some weeks. I had had bronchitis, a chest infection, several head colds and a cold sore. The doctor examined my body, took a chest x-ray and obtained a sample of my urine for testing.

I didn’t have long to wait and the results were back. I had a nasty urinary tract infection. I was given antibiotics and ordered to rest.

I thought my illness would probably have something to do with my vagina – it usually does.  

A Pee in Fiji

I recently returned from an unforgettable week in Fiji. It was our first holiday in four years and it was awesome.  I went with my husband, Mikey, our 3 year old daughter and my sister, Becci. Becci lives interstate, so we don’t get to see her much. We all thought it was a great opportunity to spend some quality time together, so we booked our Fijian resort for three adults and one child. I was wondering if the resort staff thought Mikey had two wives, but no-one seemed to care or were too polite to ask.

Before we left Australia, I was feeling pretty run down. I’d spent a solid six months getting the book finished, designed and published, and another month or so building a website and marketing the book before falling into a heap of exhaustion. I had been working day and night, while trying to maintain a home, parent an active 3 year old and do all the things we do in life. Three days before our departure date I developed a huge, ugly cold sore right in the middle of my lower lip. I then started coughing like a barking dog and a nasty head cold followed the next day. Great!   

I was determined to have a fabulous time, even though I was feeling pretty miserable.  It’s actually hard not to enjoy Fiji, the location is dreamy and the people are the friendliest I’ve ever met. Still, I was not well and I was getting worse. We arrived in Fiji on Saturday and by Thursday I was struggling to breathe or to leave the room. I made an appointment with the resort doctor and as it turned out, I had a nasty chest infection. I was prescribed bullet-sized antibiotics and an expectorant cough mixture. Hmmmm, this was the end of those yummy happy hour cocktails! 

During my all-day-all-night coughing attacks, I noticed my pelvic floor muscles weren’t performing to optimum level. Each time I would cough or sneeze, I’d do a little wee in my pants. Having only packed enough underwear for our 7 day vacation, I had to do something quick to preserve my stock of undergarments and to catch the wee - so I bought a packet of panty liners. What would us ladies do without panty liners and why didn’t I pack an emergency pack anyway? I was due for my period soon, so they should have been packed and ready to go.

Years ago, and part of my research for the book, my friend April and I went to pelvic floor classes. I always knew how important these exercises were, and vowed to keep them up. Yet, somehow, somewhere in my crazy, hectic life, I forgot to do them.  And now, I am paying for it. I fear I will be wearing incontinence pads for the rest of my days.  

Sooooo, as a reminder to me, and a reminder to you out there, here’s a brief low-down on strengthening our pelvic floors...

First, you need to find them. To feel the urethral sphincter working, try stopping the flow of urine midstream. Notice the anal sphincter muscles by pretending you are trying to stop yourself breaking wind and squeeze tight. To locate the vaginal sphincter, insert one or two fingers inside your vagina and squeeze.

• Squeeze and draw in the muscles around your back passage, vagina and front passage and lift up inside as if trying to stop passing wind and urine at the same time. (Great to do while you’re waiting for traffic lights to change or watching television – watch your facial expressions though).

• Try to hold the muscles strong and tight as you count to eight. Now let them go and relax. You should have a distinct feeling of letting go.

• Repeat the "squeeze, lift and hold" movement and let go. It is best to rest in between each lift up of the muscles. If you can't hold for a count of eight, just hold for as long as you can.

• Repeat this "squeeze, lift and hold" contraction as many times as you can, up to a limit of eight to twelve contractions.

• Try to do three sets of eight to twelve squeezes each, with a rest in between.

• Do this whole training plan (three sets of eight to twelve squeezes) each day while lying down, sitting or standing. Try to vary the positions you use so that your muscles get used to working in different situations.

My Happy Uterus

I recently went to see my happy uterus lady (HUL) – that’s not her official job title, it’s just what I like to call her. I initially went to see Danielle – a Maya Abdominal Therapist - to increase my chances of fertility and to improve my female health. When I sat with her and gave her my reproductive history we both realised there was a whole lot more to work on. I had cysts on my right ovary, a retroverted uterus, a missing Bartholin duct and I had suffered menstrual cramps for almost 27 years – not severe cramps, but enough to make me reach for the hot water bottle and feel miserable for half the day. The first period after my treatment was different - I had NO cramps, NO pain and I felt fabulous all day. Wow!! I was really blown away – I had been suffering my whole menstrual life and now after a massage treatment with HUL.... nothing!! And the happy news for husband – no more hot water bottle duty!

I’m currently writing about my whole experience with Danielle and the transformation of my female health in what I hope will be the last chapter of the book. For more information on how to make your uterus happy, visit www.mamoz.com.au

Do you have a happy, healthy uterus story to share?