Vagina Buffet

Please enjoy... The Lovely Electric

Plenty of lady garden euphemisms in this little ditty! 

 

The news story behind the video. 

To Brazilian or not to Brazilian?

This is today’s burning question, and a pretty serious one, at that.

Shortly, I’ll be ditching the wax pot and taking the plunge into laser hair removal. I’ve resisted it for ages, but now that the prices are comparable to a wax treatment, and it takes a very short amount of time, it seems to make more sense to go ahead with it now.

I’ve booked in to have a full leg, underarm and a Brazilian done. The only problem I have, is that I haven’t had a Brazilian wax since my daughter was born over 4 years ago. When I had my Brazilian waxing salon, I waxed all the time. All. The. Time. And now, not so much. It’s mainly down to time (and lack of it). Running after a toddler takes up far more time than I ever thought possible. But there’s also something else preventing me from having a full Brazilian and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I first started Brazilian waxing to impress my husband - I did it for his birthday one year. He loved it, so I kept going. Now that I have a daughter, it’s different. I have a responsibility. Every decision I make, impacts her. I’m her mummy, the person she learns from and hopefully looks up to. I’m happy for her to know that I wax. In fact she has seen me wax my lip since she was a baby, so it’s normal for her to have a mummy with pink stuff on her face from time to time. What I want her to know is that it’s normal to have pubic hair. It’s natural and it’s all part of growing up. I’ve always been an advocate of having some hair, just making it look a little tidier and not poking out of undies. I really don’t understand the pre-pubescent look – why would anyone want to look like a little girl when you could be looking like a women?

So, for me, it’s a pretty serious decision. Laser is, after all, permanent and I don’t want to regret my choice. I will be leaving hair at the front (covering my pubic bone), but it’s whether I take it that one step further and have it removed from my labia majora or I just have a brief bikini-type situation?

I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this one. I know there’s greater problems in the world right now, but for me, it’s a biggy. It’s my daughter and I’m her world.

Love and laser beams! SJ x

A finer vagina

This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31^st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.  

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.

I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.

As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.

One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.      

So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.

I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).

Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x  

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no vagina?

Last week I bought my daughter a worm farm. I thought it would be great to teach her how to be more environmentally responsible and to give her a little project to call her own. I posted this comment on social media and got some comical replies:

Purchased our first family worm farm today. The 'worm menu' includes tea bags, egg shells, pizza cartons and hair clippings - I wonder if they would also eat pubic hair?  

I didn’t say this to be crude, but if you’ve read my book, you’ll know that Mikey (husband) and I, regularly groom one another and this includes pubic hair trimming. I’m yet to feed the worms our short ‘n curly clippings, so I’ll keep you posted on this one.  

In between worm farms, being a mum and taking a short trip to Brisbane, I’ve been working hard at marketing my book. I’ve self-published, so it’s all down to me and how I use my background in advertising. I think I’ve ticked almost everything off the marketing list and my PR guru and I have been vigilantly contacting media. I’m taking a break from the media though, I’ve become slightly disheartened. I understand they receive book after book, media release after media release, but it doesn’t take much to send a short reply – thanks, but no thanks. This is only a small number of people however and most have been amazingly supportive, for which, I’m truly grateful.   

My daughter was at home with me yesterday, so we set about maintaining her factory of worms. We needed organic garden soil to sprinkle on top of the food scraps, so we headed to our local hardware store for some worm dirt. I purchased a $4 bucket of soil and waited at the counter for the lovely lady to serve me. In the meantime, her male work colleague was in the middle of telling a joke to another customer and it went like this:

Hardware man: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Customer: No idea (get it, no-eye-deer)

Hardware man: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Customer: [long pause and doesn’t reply]
Me: Still no idea! (Yes, I’ve heard this joke before… many times!)

Me: Do you want to hear a rude version of that joke?
Everyone around the counter: Yes!
Me: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no vagina?
Hardware lady: Still no f*#king idea!   

The hardware man was a little embarrassed and left to collect more buckets of dirt (they were a popular buy yesterday!). I apologised to everyone around the counter and quickly realised I had said the word “vagina” in a hardware store. In a split second, I thought, I can stop here or I can keep going and somehow mention my lady garden book.

So I went for it.

“I’m allowed to talk about vaginas – I’ve written a book about them,” I blurted out (not knowing how everyone would react). The lovely hardware lady quickly responded and said she remembered seeing an article about the book in last weeks’ local newspaper. “That’s me!” I said and she excitedly asked where she could purchase a copy of my book. As I had a couple of copies in the car, I sold them to her and personally signed them. She was showing the book to people in the car park and spruiking about how she had just met “The vagina lady!”

So this is it – my new marketing plan. I’ll still continue looking for new ways to promote my book, but for now, I’m getting out of the house more. I’m talking to people face-to-face and hoping to stumble upon more opportunities to throw in a vagina joke to a group of random people.

Wish me luck and keep on loving your lady bits! SJx 

Pink Cheeks Sneak Peek

A sneak peek into a Brazilian waxing salon with Pamela Adlon... enjoy! 

All I want for Christmas is to be fur-free!

Are you the type of person that absolutely must be waxed before Christmas day?

I don't have the energy this year, but I might squeeze in a quick tan...

Vajazzling

Cheers to everyone who participated in our recent e-poll "have you ever vajazzled your vajayjay?" I'm thrilled that 25% of you do. I know when I jazz up my 'jayjay' it makes me walk with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.. perhaps you should try it?

Vajazzling (for the 38% of you who asked "what the hell is it...?) is where vaginas meet bedazzling. A freshly waxed fanny is spotted with Swarovski crystals in shapes or initials and there you have it, a sparkly disco ball in your panties!

In the salon, I've been putting bling on people's things for years, but only recently was it made famous by Jennifer Love Hewitt and her post break-up solution for unhappy fannies.