Vagina Buffet

Vagina Myths as Magical as Unicorns

I somewhat relate to the beautiful ladies in this myth busting video about periods.

   

When I first started menstruating, we didn’t have YouTube or Google to help us with our embarrassing questions. You had no choice but to trust what your mother told you or what you heard from the kids in the playground at school. It was difficult to separate myth from fact and in my naïve younger days, I took these answers as gospel.

Thankfully, as a school-aged child I had really open and honest family members to speak with and the paperback version of Where Did I Come From? and What’s Happening to Me? to help with the facts of life.   

“We were afraid of them [tampons].” “You would lose them… in your vagina!”

“There are bears up there [in the mountains] and if they smell your blood from your period, they are liable to attack you!”

“Sharks would attack you and anyone with you, because they smelled the blood. You were terrified!”

Although we don’t have bears here along the east coast of Australia, I totally and utterly believed the myth about the sharks. Who am I to dare swim with my period and invite Great Whites to the shore where hundreds of non-menstruating beach-goers are enjoying the sun, the sand and the waves? No thanks! I’ll wait till I’ve finished surfing my crimson wave!     

Of course I now know none of these myths to be true. Tampons have nowhere to go but down and you are more likely to be taken by a shark if you’re wearing a black wetsuit, and looking like a plump juicy seal, than if you are having your period.

I’m guessing this all stems from the sharks-can-smell-a-drop-of-blood-a-mile-away theory? But after reading over some scientific data and research, it seems that sharks are uninterested in menstrual fluids (which is chemically very different from systemic blood). Phew, we can all safely go back in the water now!

Balancing out other myths from fact came about during my time as a Brazilian waxer.

I had only ever seen a few other vaginas in my lifetime and they all looked very similar to mine. So naturally, I thought that’s what they all looked like. You can image the education I got from working in a waxing salon looking at vaginas day in, day out. No two are alike and they come in many shapes and sizes. It has nothing to do with how much sex you’ve had or how many children you’ve borne naturally. It’s simply the way we are built. Vaginas are as unique as our faces and fingerprints and as individual as snowflakes. Vaginas are so special, they even have their own doctor!

“Am I normal?” and, “Sorry about the smell,” were the two most common statements from my clients.

And yes, it’s normal for healthy women to have a unique odor to their vaginas. Vaginas don’t smell (or taste) the same, but they do all smell. Contrary to what people believe, it’s not like working in a fisheries co-op, it’s a very mild odor and will never send you running from the beauty room gasping for fresh air.

And if you think men are offended by our feminine odor, this interesting story might help dispel the whole smelly fish myth.

During a drunken conversation with my father-in-law one evening, he was reminiscing about his glory days in the 60s as a young lad growing up in Northern England, courting the local women at the Mecca Dance Hall. It was the usual dance-scene scenario, single lads and single ladies out for a night “on the pull.”

According to paternal-one, it was common knowledge that women seeking men used to put their fingers into their vaginas and place their vagina essence delicately behind their ears. Complicated dating signals were obsolete at the Mecca, just a sniff of the “Canal No.1” (as it was affectionately known) and it sent the hormone-infused geezers mad, and they loved it! 

So forget the pure floral perfume of Chanel No.5 and the romantic fragrance of Diorissimo. It was vagina juice women were dabbing behind their ears back in the free-loving decade of the 60s.

The safest way to stay fresh? Toss your feminine hygiene products and leave your amazing self-cleaning vagina to take care of itself.

 

A finer vagina

This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31^st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.  

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.

I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.

As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.

One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.      

So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.

I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).

Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x  

Mikey’s trip to the pharmacy

My Mikey rocks!

He's the type of husband who is unafraid to tackle the sanitary aisle of the supermarket and is not fazed by anything vagina-related (I guess he has to be, being married to me).

I’ve recently taken several courses of antibiotics, and when I woke at 3am this morning with itching, scratching and burning, I immediately knew it was thrush.

Icky subject, I know. But it's really common and it will probably affect all of us at some stage, men included*.

When I woke Mikey to tell him my vagina was on fire (and I knew we were out of non-fruity yoghurt), I asked if he would go to the pharmacy for me.

"Sure baby, of course. First thing in the morning."

And with that, he rolled over, went straight back to sleep and started snoring. I've forgiven him for the snoring as he is buying me lady treatments and he's not embarrassed to do so.

Yes, my husband truly is a special man.

Mikey described his lady-product hunt as “uncomfortable,” but he survived and lives to tell the tale. I asked him to get me one of each product, so I could make an informed decision at home. The pharmacy assistant thought it was complete overkill, but Mikey was under strict instruction, and he knows not to mess with my lady bits.

Now that the treatment is working its magic and my vagina has stepped away from the spotlight, I thought it timely to remind us all how to avoid vaginal thrush in the future. And the list goes something like this:

• Wear cotton briefs and avoid wearing tight-fitting panty hose and synthetic underwear.
• Wipe your bottom from front to back after going to the toilet. This will prevent the spread of Candida albicans from the anus to the vagina.
• Avoid using perfumed soap to wash the genital area.
• Avoid using bath additives, douches or vaginal deodorants in the genital area.
• Avoid using perfumed toilet papers and menstrual products.
• Wash regularly but do not wash and dry yourself harshly.
• Sugar (including fructose) feeds Candida, so you should avoid sugary foods, fresh fruit and alcohol. 
• Consider changing your clothes-washing detergent and don’t use fabric softeners.

So tell me, would your partner go to the pharmacy and fetch your lady products for you? Or is this totally out of the question?

Until next time, love your lady bits! SJx 

*Thrush treatment for women is stored behind the counter, so there's no avoiding the chat with the pharmacist. Men, however, can use the anti-fungal cream off the shelf (usually in the foot treatment department). It's labeled as treating tinea, but it can also be used on the penis and surrounding areas. Always check with your GP if unsure. 

Book Signing in an Ambulance

Mikey said he married me because he knew our lives together would never be dull.

Last week, I had a radio interview with ABC Newcastle morning presenter, Jill Emberson. This was my second interview about the book and I was nervous to say the least. I’m not sure about you, but I experience ‘nervous poos’ before going into anything outside of my comfort zone. Without going into too much detail, lets just say my bowls were void.

Hours before the interview, I woke up and was experiencing slight fever and a mild case of the chills. Mikey got me some pain relief and I went back to sleep. When my alarm went off, my stomach butterflies took hold and the nervous energy was racing through my body like a Formula One driver.  I was breathing deeply and applying calming essential oils, but nothing was taming my nerves. I’m normally ok in this situation, but the interview was live and we were talking about pubes!

By the time I got to the station, I was feeling physically sick. “Just the nerves,” I thought, so I pushed through. The interview went well and Jill and her team was wonderful.

Once I got back into the car and the adrenaline had stopped pumping, my body started crashing. I called Mikey to tell him I was on my way home and to meet me at the garage door – I didn’t think I would be able to walk. My fever was rising by the second and every muscle in my body was aching. I was feeling disorientated and I’m really not sure I should have been driving.

Once Mikey got me into bed, I was finding it hard to control my emotions and my illness. I was blubbering and shaking and starting to become delusional. Mikey called our GP, but I couldn’t move, so he called the ambulance. The paramedics arrived within minutes and they immediately set me at ease. I guess you have to have some sort of personality in their line of business – the things they must see. I described my symptoms and told them about my interview that morning. They jokingly told me there was nothing they could do about my occupation, and once they found out my book was about vaginas, one of them proceeded to tell me his favourite fanny story…

“I once got called to the house of a 90 year old women. I walked into her bedroom and she couldn’t wait to tell me her troubles. She had ulcers all over her vagina and wanted me to see them. I declined and asked her how she had been treating them. ‘With that’ she said, as she pointed to a large tub of yoghurt sitting on her bedside table.  She had been treating her ulcers for days by smothering her lady bits in yog!”

I had to laugh. It was probably much funnier how he told it. Yet I was also embarrassed, for I have used yoghurt to treat ladies stuff also, but I wasn’t about to share that information and I was still really ill. The paramedics decided to take me to the local hospital via ambulance. Before they did, Mikey grabbed a couple of copies of The Vagina Buffet and told them to spread the word (I guess one has to promote the book at every opportunity, right?!).

En route to the hospital, the ambulance officer asked if I could sign the book so he could give it to his wife. Not your everyday request, but one I was happy to grant.

Once I was registered and admitted into the ER, the doctor started some tests. I had been sick for some weeks. I had had bronchitis, a chest infection, several head colds and a cold sore. The doctor examined my body, took a chest x-ray and obtained a sample of my urine for testing.

I didn’t have long to wait and the results were back. I had a nasty urinary tract infection. I was given antibiotics and ordered to rest.

I thought my illness would probably have something to do with my vagina – it usually does.  

The Bicycle Seat Experiment

Here at Vagina Buffet HQ I'm tackling the big issues, and this week (the final week of the Olympics), it's bicycle seats.

Recently, my foxy friend Jacqui emailed me asking, in my vagina research, did I come across any feedback relating to uncomfortable bike seats in spin classes?? She went on to explain that this is her main complaint with the gym, and her other female class participants agreed.

My first thoughts were… a) who is crazy enough to regularly participate in a spin class and b) never mind vaginas, how uncomfortable is it for men and their little nut cannons?  

On my next visit to the gym, I stopped by the manager’s office. I detailed my bike seat research and asked if she ever received any complaints. “No.” she said “But you should take a class and test it out for yourself.”

I did, and roped in my gym buddy Mel.

We hired Sergio*, the spin class instructor from hell, for a one-on-one session with the bikes. We filled him in on the vag experiment and told him to work us hard. Mel took the smallest, most painful looking seat and I took the seat with the padding.

We sat, we stood, and power-peddled our way through half an hour of what I can only describe as utter torture. We finished the class and I collapsed on the floor. I could barely breath and was red as a beetroot. My fanny was paining, but so was my body. Why was I doing this again?

We gave our lady bits a couple of days, but the pain and discomfort never came.

Disappointed with nothing to report and considering scrapping this blog, I stumbled across a study by The Journal of Sexual Medicine. It revealed the serious things a bicycle can do to a vagina and genital sensation. According to researchers at Yale, competitive female cyclists who had low handlebars (forcing them to lean forward) experienced “significantly higher vibratory thresholds in the anterior vagina, compared with riders whose handlebars were level with the bike saddle.”

So there is something in this after all. And while it may be more aerodynamic and higher handlebars may increase wind resistance, I’d rather have some wind in my hair than wind and pain in my lady sails.

*Sergio is actually a very nice man, he’s just far more passionate about cycling than I am.  

 

My latest pharmacy find

I love strolling the aisles of my local pharmacy, I find something new every time I visit. This week, I found VagiTest – a vaginal pH tester.

I didn’t go to the pharmacy with any odour, itching or burning, yet after seeing the tester on the shelf, I had to know if my vaginal pH levels were imbalanced or not. I picked up the brightly coloured box and hid it underneath all the ‘normal’ stuff you buy, like moisturiser, dental floss and those yummy glucose jelly beans.

Does anyone else hide their embarrassing items under their ‘normal’ items? I wonder how many pharmacy assistants find condoms, lube and vagi testers strategically stashed under regular items? I’m always doing this, even when I’m shopping in the supermarket. I always put my naughty bits underneath nice, healthy fruit and veg so if I run into anyone I know they'll think I’m full-on into the good stuff, when in fact there’s a layer of chocs, biscuits and pre-packaged dinners underneath.

The VagiTest was simple and easy to use. You insert the slim end of the tester into your vagina, the same way you would use a tampon. You gentle press the tester against the wall of your vagina for 10 seconds, then remove it. The package has a pH interpretation scale on it, so you can read your results instantly.

And thanks to my acidophilus yoghurt for working its magic in my fanny - my test result was normal.

 

NB: VagiTest has not sponsored this post in any way, although I should probably approach them for some advertising dollars. 

 

Happy Easter. Happy Fanny.

 As an Easter treat for our fannies, my sister and I decided to give our lady gardens a herbal vaginal steam.

Vaginal steam baths, or “Bajos”, as they are known in Spanish, are an old, respected treatment for women used to assist in the cleansing of the uterus, in conjunction with the Mayan Massage for the treatment of numerous female symptoms. It’s basically like a nasal steam, but for your fanny.

If you’d like to try one, here’s what you’ll need:

Large pot of hot water            
Warm fluffy socks
Large blanket
Fresh or dried herbs*
Slatted chair
Book or meditation CD

*HERBS: Most commonly used are marigold, oregano, basil, and rosemary. Motherwort, St John’s wort, chamomile, damiana, red clover, dandelion, yellow dock, squaw vine (partridgeberry), horsetail (bottlebrush), epazote (Mexican wormseed) and lavender can also be used.

We used three of the above herbs, added marjoram and substituted chamomile with a tea bag and lavender with a few drops of essential oil.

The idea is to collect your herbs using prayer and intention of healing. I was praying for a happy, healthy vagina, but you might like to pray for something else. It could be a prayer for healthy ovaries, a baby making uterus or a prayer to get your mojo back. If using fresh plants, use about four cups. If using dry, about a cup.

DIRECTIONS: In a large pot of hot water place your choice of herbs. Crush the herbs into the water thanking them for helping with your healing.

Offer prayers nine times. These prayers can be to whatever spirit offers you guidance; Goddess, Jesus, Christ, God, Mother Earth, Father in Heaven, etc. It is the prayer and the intention that is important.

Bring this to a soft boil for ten minutes, then steep for five minutes with the lid on. Place the pot under a slatted chair, lawn chair, etc.

Remove your underwear, but wear socks to keep your feet warm and drape yourself fully with a blanket around your waist to the floor. Be careful not to allow any draft underneath you. Be sure you are enclosed by the blankets from the waist down, and wear something warm from the waist up.

Sitting quietly over your pot of herbal steam for 20 minutes, meditate, read, enjoy and pleasure in the herbal healing. Be careful not to burn yourself. The heat should feel pleasant. If it is too warm, remove the pot for a few minutes. Rest quietly after the herbal steam bath in a warm room, free of drafts.

You can expect changes in your vaginal discharge and menstruation; these are normal cleansing reactions. Inform your natural therapy practitioner if you have any unusual discharge or response to this treatment.

Vaginal steam baths are best done just prior to or after your period.

So happy Easter everyone and a happy, healthy vagina to you x

 

My Happy Uterus

I recently went to see my happy uterus lady (HUL) – that’s not her official job title, it’s just what I like to call her. I initially went to see Danielle – a Maya Abdominal Therapist - to increase my chances of fertility and to improve my female health. When I sat with her and gave her my reproductive history we both realised there was a whole lot more to work on. I had cysts on my right ovary, a retroverted uterus, a missing Bartholin duct and I had suffered menstrual cramps for almost 27 years – not severe cramps, but enough to make me reach for the hot water bottle and feel miserable for half the day. The first period after my treatment was different - I had NO cramps, NO pain and I felt fabulous all day. Wow!! I was really blown away – I had been suffering my whole menstrual life and now after a massage treatment with HUL.... nothing!! And the happy news for husband – no more hot water bottle duty!

I’m currently writing about my whole experience with Danielle and the transformation of my female health in what I hope will be the last chapter of the book. For more information on how to make your uterus happy, visit www.mamoz.com.au

Do you have a happy, healthy uterus story to share?