Vagina Buffet

Dear Porn Searcher,

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is NOT a porn site. There’s no free pussy, wet pussy, or hot granny porn to click on. And you certainly can’t rate my pussy but you can see a beautiful and tasteful painting of my vagina here. I made it for my husband’s birthday and then ending up in hospital. I have truly suffered for my art.

But you don’t care for my painting do you? You just want to flog your log. Or were you actually looking for pictures of wet cats? Cats are very popular on the Internet these days. I've included a wet cat gif to make it easier for you. You can probably stop searching now and go about your day.

I mean, how do we get through the day without someone posting a photo of Grumpy Cat? But I digress...  

I understand I have the word ‘vagina’ in my URL, so it’s only natural that my site would pop up while you are surfing the web for porn. After all, porn doesn’t surf itself and you have needs, I get that. 

It’s unfortunate that those of us trying to promote women’s health are tarred with the same brush, but hey, I accept that. It was a controversial decision to put the word ‘vagina’ in my book title, but I went ahead and did it anyway.

If you’re still with me and you’re interested in knowing the real reason behind my confrontational title, please read on.

The Vagina Buffet is actually a chapter in my book. It doesn’t refer to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of vaginas, rather, a statement my Renal specialist made to me during an appointment with him. I wont bore you with it now; I know you need to keep searching. You can read the full story here if you’re interested.

So once you’ve satisfied your needs, feel free to visit my site again and buy a copy of my book. There are illustrations of real vaginas in the book and some funny stories you might find interesting. You may even learn a little something about women, which could lead to you spending less time searching the net and more time in an intimate relationship with an actual human being.

Thanks for stopping by; I hope you find what you’re looking for.

SJ x

 

Image: Shutterstock

Please enjoy... The Lovely Electric

Plenty of lady garden euphemisms in this little ditty! 

 

The news story behind the video. 

Vagina Myths as Magical as Unicorns

I somewhat relate to the beautiful ladies in this myth busting video about periods.

   

When I first started menstruating, we didn’t have YouTube or Google to help us with our embarrassing questions. You had no choice but to trust what your mother told you or what you heard from the kids in the playground at school. It was difficult to separate myth from fact and in my naïve younger days, I took these answers as gospel.

Thankfully, as a school-aged child I had really open and honest family members to speak with and the paperback version of Where Did I Come From? and What’s Happening to Me? to help with the facts of life.   

“We were afraid of them [tampons].” “You would lose them… in your vagina!”

“There are bears up there [in the mountains] and if they smell your blood from your period, they are liable to attack you!”

“Sharks would attack you and anyone with you, because they smelled the blood. You were terrified!”

Although we don’t have bears here along the east coast of Australia, I totally and utterly believed the myth about the sharks. Who am I to dare swim with my period and invite Great Whites to the shore where hundreds of non-menstruating beach-goers are enjoying the sun, the sand and the waves? No thanks! I’ll wait till I’ve finished surfing my crimson wave!     

Of course I now know none of these myths to be true. Tampons have nowhere to go but down and you are more likely to be taken by a shark if you’re wearing a black wetsuit, and looking like a plump juicy seal, than if you are having your period.

I’m guessing this all stems from the sharks-can-smell-a-drop-of-blood-a-mile-away theory? But after reading over some scientific data and research, it seems that sharks are uninterested in menstrual fluids (which is chemically very different from systemic blood). Phew, we can all safely go back in the water now!

Balancing out other myths from fact came about during my time as a Brazilian waxer.

I had only ever seen a few other vaginas in my lifetime and they all looked very similar to mine. So naturally, I thought that’s what they all looked like. You can image the education I got from working in a waxing salon looking at vaginas day in, day out. No two are alike and they come in many shapes and sizes. It has nothing to do with how much sex you’ve had or how many children you’ve borne naturally. It’s simply the way we are built. Vaginas are as unique as our faces and fingerprints and as individual as snowflakes. Vaginas are so special, they even have their own doctor!

“Am I normal?” and, “Sorry about the smell,” were the two most common statements from my clients.

And yes, it’s normal for healthy women to have a unique odor to their vaginas. Vaginas don’t smell (or taste) the same, but they do all smell. Contrary to what people believe, it’s not like working in a fisheries co-op, it’s a very mild odor and will never send you running from the beauty room gasping for fresh air.

And if you think men are offended by our feminine odor, this interesting story might help dispel the whole smelly fish myth.

During a drunken conversation with my father-in-law one evening, he was reminiscing about his glory days in the 60s as a young lad growing up in Northern England, courting the local women at the Mecca Dance Hall. It was the usual dance-scene scenario, single lads and single ladies out for a night “on the pull.”

According to paternal-one, it was common knowledge that women seeking men used to put their fingers into their vaginas and place their vagina essence delicately behind their ears. Complicated dating signals were obsolete at the Mecca, just a sniff of the “Canal No.1” (as it was affectionately known) and it sent the hormone-infused geezers mad, and they loved it! 

So forget the pure floral perfume of Chanel No.5 and the romantic fragrance of Diorissimo. It was vagina juice women were dabbing behind their ears back in the free-loving decade of the 60s.

The safest way to stay fresh? Toss your feminine hygiene products and leave your amazing self-cleaning vagina to take care of itself.

 

The day my upstairs/downstairs hair collided!

So I finally redeemed my Mother’s Day voucher – a deluxe facial and a back massage from my local beauty parlour (compliments of my super awesome husband and daughter).

I arrived for my mid-morning appointment and was ushered into a beauty room by one of the young beauticians. After I changed into the robe and was ready for my treatment, the young girl said she would start with my back massage. She then asked if I didn’t mind getting a little essential oil in my hair and the conversation went on from there…

Me: No, I don’t mind at all, in fact curly hair, like mine, loves oil, so go right ahead.

Beautician: Ok, great.

Me: And you wont believe what I’ve been putting in my hair this week. Oil is nothing!

Beautician: Oh really? What?

Me: KY Jelly!

Beautician: What?!

Me: I’ve joined a forum for curly girls and apparently this is the must-have product for curly hair! And the conversation went on from there until it was time for my no-talk relaxy time.

It all started several weeks ago. I gazed into the mirror and could no longer look at the triangular, frizzy mop that has become my hair. To say I’ve had a few bad hair days lately would be an understatement. Since becoming a mum, all things beauty related has taken a huge back seat.  So I decided to change everything.

I found a new hairdresser. She also has curly hair, so she understands it and is passionate about bringing curls to life. I also joined a forum of curly girls to hunt down that perfect frizz-reducing product. As I mentioned to the beautician, I soon discovered the secret underworld powers of KY Jelly. Google it. You'll be amazed how many people are using it and swear by it. Apparently KY has the same ingredients as this super amazing, frizz taming stuff called Curl Keeper, only half the price. 

It was around the same time that I paid a visit to my gyneacologist. We were discussing all things vagina, when he paused, looked up and said, “Have I ever told you to wash your vagina with hair conditioner?”

“Um, no. No you haven’t.” “You’ve told me all the things I should not put on my vagina, but we’ve never discussed what I can put on my vagina.” Years earlier, after applying paint, tea tree oil, yoghurt and paw paw cream to my lady bits I was told to leave it alone. “Don’t touch it!” “It’s a self cleaning organ!” So I didn't go near it. For years.

My Gynaecologist recommended hair conditioner for my vag as it is more acidic* than soap. Soap is bad news for us girls, but hair conditioner much more suited to the environment of our beautiful lady gardens. It is, of course, only for the outside skin, not for internal application.

Once I was over the initial shock of the whole conditioner-on-my-fanny thing, I asked my OB/GYN what product would work best? I have my Paul Mitchell Super Rich Detangling Conditioner or my Kérastase Oléo-Curl Intense. He seemed to think the Paul Mitchell detangling conditioner would be perfectly fine, but coming from a man that barely has any hair, worried me.   

I now feel like I’m living in a bizzaro world (à la Seinfeld), filled with hair products for your vagina and vagina products for your hair! How did these two worlds collide? And where was I when the product-swapping memo was handed out? I mean, I’ve heard of models putting hemorrhoid cream under their eyes to reduce puffiness, but KY in your hair and conditioner on your lady bits was something new all together!

Not sure about you, but the world of hair, beauty and personal grooming products totally overwhelms me, and now, even more so. I’ve tried a plethora of products and now I’m looking outside the box and turning to my pantry. Avocado, honey and apple cider vinegar has now joined my hair posse of products. I was once told I had a “smorgasbord” on my vagina and now it seems I have half a pantry and a bathroom cabinet on my hair. All in the pursuit of lovely locks!  

So lets raise a cocktail glass to happy hair days! If you have any product tips (hair or otherwise), I'd love to hear from you. Afterall, what's another vegetable in the mix!

Peace, love and luscious locks.... SJ x

For curly girls all around the world, here’s where I’ve recently been hanging out: www.naturallycurly.com and Aussie Curly Girls (Facebook page).

* I found this article useful in explaining the vaginal ecosystem. 

Images: Shutterstock

Myths as Magical as Unicorns!

Were these myths alive and well in your family? If you have 3 minutes, these veterans of some 400+ periods are sharing their stories - brilliant!!

Your awesome vagina

By guest blogger, Caitlin Grace

Read that title again.

It’s not often we see the word awesome and vagina in the same sentence. Instead we are told how unacceptable it is. We are reminded that we smell and that we are too hairy and how loose we are.

Our vaginas are amazing! They can hold a tampon in place and comfortably accommodate a penis and lets not forget that they can also birth a baby. Hmmm when you line all those things up side by side not one of them is even remotely the same size so that in itself is a pretty clever trick. How do we hold in a teeny, tiny tampon and yet stretch to fit a penis?

It all comes down to the wonder of our design. When we engage in foreplay (I know some guys just don’t get it *sigh* we’ll have to save that for another blog!), it stimulates your uterus to contract and move back out of the way to make room for the penis (I can almost hear her mobilising the troops “Ok girls get ready and LIFT”). In fact all that tongue, tangling kissing (apart from being fun) helps your vagina to relax and open up as there is a direct link between your mouth and your other set of lips.

A loose mouth means a loose vagina. As soon as your mouth opens up, relaxes and softens so does your vajayjay. Try it and see for yourself.

I read about this during my first pregnancy in a book called Spiritual Midwifery where they recommended the husband kissing his wife during labour to help move the baby down the birth canal. As my own labour progressed and I was trying to push, I remembered this and relaxed my face, mouth and throat and sure enough on the next push out popped (ok it felt nothing like a pop! Trust me) my son.

We all know that we are supposed to do our pelvic floor exercises and this is why. All that lifting and shifting to make room for penises and pushing out babies’ means those girls get a bit loose over time and, just like any muscle, they need to be maintained.

A normal, healthy vagina is self-cleaning (not like those “self-cleaning” ovens they advertise that still actually have to be cleaned). All of those lovely juices we secrete are a self regulating cleaning system to maintain our vaginas pH balance, so if you are a little bit whiffy it means one of two things (1) you just had sex in the past 24 hours or (2) you have a medical condition and should see a doctor.

What this means is any time someone is joking about "fish" smells they are (a) jealous because they aren’t having sex (b) don’t realise that it is sperm (mixed with our heavenly scent) that smells (c) all of the above. So to all the men out there can you please realise just how tolerant we have been all these years for taking the blame for your smelly 'love seeds'? Thank you. And ladies, please realise what an awesome vagina you have. Yes, really!

 

Caitlin Grace is an Intimate Relationship Whisperer and Wellbeing Coach and feels she has been preparing for her role her whole life. She is an accredited Journey therapist, Reiki level 3 and EFT practitioner.

Caitlin’s driving passion is to help people live their best lives through empowering them to take charge of their own wellbeing. She is a strong advocate of the mind body connection and believes we can only be truly well when we have let go of our underlying limiting beliefs.

Caitlin has been married and divorced and has been in her current relationship for twenty years. She has three sons, four step daughters and nine grandchildren.

Caitlin is a self-proclaimed Sex Goddess and empowers other women to become the same.

You can read her blog posts here: http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/  and to book a session with her here http://www.cgrace4wellbeing.com/wellbeing-intimacy-packages.php

 

In celebrity vagina news...

I love Kelly Osbourne. I watch her on Fashion Police every week, I follow her on Twitter and I want her fabulous purple hair! She’s been hit with almost everything life could possibly throw at her, yet she’s come out the other side, an inspiration. She’ll tell you she’s not perfect, but heck, who is?!

She recently attended the Cosmopolitan Ultimate Women Awards and when asked what the best thing about being a woman was, she said, "The best thing about being a woman is having a vagina."

Well Kelly, I agree. 

Vaginas are flippin’ amazing and so are the women attached to them. We orgasm, we bleed, we push babies out of them. Vaginas are as individual as snowflakes and it’s what sets us apart from our male friends. Kelly, you are equally amazing and, if you’re up for it, I’d love to have you appear on my celebrity vagina page. Just have your people, contact my people. 

In other celebrity vagina news, Anne Hathaway has been photographed flashing her bush-free muff (à la Britney Spears). She was attending the New York premiere of Les Misérables when her super-tight Tom Ford dress rode up and revealed she wasn’t wearing any panties (you can see the uncensored photo here). Now I’m totally up for not wearing underwear to bed, I like to let my little lady friend ‘breathe,’ but to not wear nickers to a public event seems a little crazy to me.

I’ve been experiencing light bladder leakage lately and a big cough or a huge sneeze ultimately leads to a spot of urine in my undies. So there’s just no way I would go out, especially in a designer dress, without underwear. All I can say is, Anne, you must have a great pelvic floor!

Until next time, keep your undies on and your legs closed. SJx 

s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

A finer vagina

This, is my vagina. Not my actual vagina, but artwork I made by painting my lady bits and squishing it onto an A4 piece of paper. I made the art by bending the paper over the edge of the bathtub, squatting over the top of it and pressing my vagina onto the paper. It was a gift for my husband’s 31^st birthday and he loved it. But before you think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant idea, I’m going to try this at home.’ Stop. Four visits to my GP, two major gynaecological surgeries and many embarrassing moments is what followed on from my evening with the water paints.  

If you’ve read my book, you’ll know the story intimately.

I really wanted to post an actual photo of my vagina taken by a professional photographer, but Mikey said he would divorce me if I showed the world my vag. So this is the compromise. You can see that I have pubic hair, a clitoris, labia minor and labia majora, but apart from that, it really just looks like a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

So why do I want to show you my vagina? I’m totally alarmed by the amount of women considering (and having) labiaplasty. Yearning for a ‘designer vagina’ seems to be on the rise, and shockingly, girls as young as 9 are asking for it. This, to me, is utter craziness. I’m not completely against plastic surgery of any kind, but if you are altering a part of your body because you think you’re not somehow normal, I urge you to reconsider.

As women, we see each other’s breast on a regular basis, but to see another woman’s vagina is no easy task. You need to be sitting, without underwear, with your legs apart – not your everyday scenario. I originally had my vagina photographed to be included in my book, but it wasn’t going to work unless I had other women’s vaginas to demonstrate just how different they all are. I had trouble finding ‘models’ and I took the decision to include illustrations instead.

One day, I would really love to show you actual photos of real women, with un-photo shopped vulvas.      

So ladies, please, if you’re considering surgery, don’t consult a soft porn mag. Talk with someone like me, or your GP, who has seen hundreds of vaginas. We will tell you they come in all shapes and sizes. They are as individual as you are and we need to stop waging war on our own bodies.

I’m all about sharing. If by seeing my vagina will make you feel better, email me and I’ll send you my photo. Genuine requests only (not freaky guys searching the web for a bit of fanny action!).

Until next time, share your stories, love your bits and don’t ever, ever put paints near your lady garden, trust me on this one! SJ x  

Jim gets it

The first thing I do every morning is open my email – sad, but true. I’ve done this most of my life and before the Internet became mainstream, it was the mailbox I was running to each day.

With the exception of bills and junk mail, there’s something special about receiving news from a friend, a special invitation or, in this case, a review from one of my beautiful readers.

A few weeks ago, one early Saturday morning whilst still in bed, I reached for my iPhone and opened my inbox. Scrolling through my emails, I came across a name I didn’t recognise, but it didn’t appear to be junk mail. I opened it and this is what it said: 

Dear SJ:

I have just finished your book 'The Vagina Buffet'. I loved the book and I am thanking you for writing it. I am a 67-year-old husband of 45 years with my dear wife Barbara and I have learned a lot about women and their vaginas. You would think I would know it all after 45 years of marriage, but an old dog can learn new tricks. At the end of your book you wrote, “If you love it, share it… with every woman you know.”  I think you should include men in your statement. For a man to truly love and understand a woman he must understand what role the vagina plays in his loves life. It is the center of her being and reading your book brought this to light for me. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. I believe it would bring understanding and compassion to a woman’s well being and a conduit for discussion during their married lives. Again, thank you for writing such an informative and entertaining book.  

Sincerely, 
Jim
North Carolina, USA 

Jim and Barbara, I know I have personally thanked you both, but if you’re out, if you’re reading this blog post – thank you. I can’t tell you how this one email brightened my weekend and how much I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

The kindest thing anyone can do for an author is to give him or her feedback. Writing a book, self publishing it, marketing it and getting people to love what you’ve written is a roller coaster ride at best. This email, for me, makes it all worthwhile.

Now I know Christmas is on our doorstep and I’ll be shamelessly peddling my book like crazy, but lets ponder the wise words of Jim. I think the book should be a must for both young husbands and wives to read before, or just after marriage. So if you have a wedding coming up and you’re stuck for gift ideas, consider a book that’s taught an old dog new tricks and brought new life to a 45-year marriage. 

The Vagina Buffet – if you love it, share it, with every women (and man) you know.

Until next time, love your lady bits, or your lady’s bits, just that little bit more. SJx

Keeping up with the celebrity vaginas

So we’re a little behind in our E! News here in Australia. Last night we watched the season finale of Keeping up with the Kardashians, where Kourtney Kardashian pulled baby Penelope out of her own vagina.

Did you see it? Oh, if you have Foxtel, you have to see this episode!

I mean, I can barely bend down to tie my own shoelaces these days and Kourtney is, after many hours of labour, bending over, reaching for her daughter and pulling her right out of her lady garden! In all my years of listening to birth stories, this has never been mentioned. Not ever.

And in true Kardashian style, everyone was there. Scott, Kim, Kanye, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie, Kris, Rob and all of us. At first, I thought there were too many people in the room, but thinking back to my own daughters c-section birth, there was ten people in the theatre plus Mikey and it didn’t seem strange at all, in fact, it was quite comforting. This is what I love about the Kardashians though, they are a family and they share everything. My family is so dysfunctional, we can’t even get everyone together for a funeral. So for all their faults, and there are many, I still love them. They stick together, fanny flashing and all.

 

In other celebrity vagina news, author JK Rowling’s first book for adults The Casual Vacancy was just released. The book, which I haven’t read and probably wont, apparently contains the phrase “miraculously unguarded vagina”, so obviously the new book was dubbed “Harry Potter and the Miraculously Unguarded Vagina”. This is so much better and I would most likely consider buying it if it had this catchy title LOL. Although, like Naomi Wolf, myself and many others with “vagina” in their book title, Apple iTunes Bookstore would make it hard for readers to find. They’re not happy with the V word and initially censored it to v****a, until they bowed to public pressure and they are now displaying the word.    

While we’re talking about books, I’m currently reading Signposts by Denise Linn. She describes how the universe is communicating to us through signs and tells us how to interpret coincidences and symbols in our life.  I’ve only read the first few chapters, yet I’m thinking actress Olivia Wilde is all over this concept like a rash. Olivia has recently gone public about the end of her eight-year marriage to Italian prince Tao Ruspoli. Saying her vagina died and she knew it was time to go. In the signpost dictionary, Denise lists the vagina as a powerful symbol of womanliness and it is the inner valley of spirit.

I love Olivia, she listened to her inner spirit, she consulted her vagina and when her lady flower showed signs of wilting, she did something about it. Perhaps those of us with a vagina could take a minute every now and then. Powwow with our downstairs girlfriend and check to see if she’s ok.

I’ve done this many times and it works, so now it’s your turn. Let me know how you get on.

Oh, and Khloé, if you’re reading this, would you please take part in my celebrity vagina? I’d be ever so grateful.  

Until next time, love your lady goodies with all the celebrity fanfare you can muster! SJx