Vagina Buffet

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no vagina?

Last week I bought my daughter a worm farm. I thought it would be great to teach her how to be more environmentally responsible and to give her a little project to call her own. I posted this comment on social media and got some comical replies:

Purchased our first family worm farm today. The 'worm menu' includes tea bags, egg shells, pizza cartons and hair clippings - I wonder if they would also eat pubic hair?  

I didn’t say this to be crude, but if you’ve read my book, you’ll know that Mikey (husband) and I, regularly groom one another and this includes pubic hair trimming. I’m yet to feed the worms our short ‘n curly clippings, so I’ll keep you posted on this one.  

In between worm farms, being a mum and taking a short trip to Brisbane, I’ve been working hard at marketing my book. I’ve self-published, so it’s all down to me and how I use my background in advertising. I think I’ve ticked almost everything off the marketing list and my PR guru and I have been vigilantly contacting media. I’m taking a break from the media though, I’ve become slightly disheartened. I understand they receive book after book, media release after media release, but it doesn’t take much to send a short reply – thanks, but no thanks. This is only a small number of people however and most have been amazingly supportive, for which, I’m truly grateful.   

My daughter was at home with me yesterday, so we set about maintaining her factory of worms. We needed organic garden soil to sprinkle on top of the food scraps, so we headed to our local hardware store for some worm dirt. I purchased a $4 bucket of soil and waited at the counter for the lovely lady to serve me. In the meantime, her male work colleague was in the middle of telling a joke to another customer and it went like this:

Hardware man: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Customer: No idea (get it, no-eye-deer)

Hardware man: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Customer: [long pause and doesn’t reply]
Me: Still no idea! (Yes, I’ve heard this joke before… many times!)

Me: Do you want to hear a rude version of that joke?
Everyone around the counter: Yes!
Me: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no vagina?
Hardware lady: Still no f*#king idea!   

The hardware man was a little embarrassed and left to collect more buckets of dirt (they were a popular buy yesterday!). I apologised to everyone around the counter and quickly realised I had said the word “vagina” in a hardware store. In a split second, I thought, I can stop here or I can keep going and somehow mention my lady garden book.

So I went for it.

“I’m allowed to talk about vaginas – I’ve written a book about them,” I blurted out (not knowing how everyone would react). The lovely hardware lady quickly responded and said she remembered seeing an article about the book in last weeks’ local newspaper. “That’s me!” I said and she excitedly asked where she could purchase a copy of my book. As I had a couple of copies in the car, I sold them to her and personally signed them. She was showing the book to people in the car park and spruiking about how she had just met “The vagina lady!”

So this is it – my new marketing plan. I’ll still continue looking for new ways to promote my book, but for now, I’m getting out of the house more. I’m talking to people face-to-face and hoping to stumble upon more opportunities to throw in a vagina joke to a group of random people.

Wish me luck and keep on loving your lady bits! SJx 

The Bicycle Seat Experiment

Here at Vagina Buffet HQ I'm tackling the big issues, and this week (the final week of the Olympics), it's bicycle seats.

Recently, my foxy friend Jacqui emailed me asking, in my vagina research, did I come across any feedback relating to uncomfortable bike seats in spin classes?? She went on to explain that this is her main complaint with the gym, and her other female class participants agreed.

My first thoughts were… a) who is crazy enough to regularly participate in a spin class and b) never mind vaginas, how uncomfortable is it for men and their little nut cannons?  

On my next visit to the gym, I stopped by the manager’s office. I detailed my bike seat research and asked if she ever received any complaints. “No.” she said “But you should take a class and test it out for yourself.”

I did, and roped in my gym buddy Mel.

We hired Sergio*, the spin class instructor from hell, for a one-on-one session with the bikes. We filled him in on the vag experiment and told him to work us hard. Mel took the smallest, most painful looking seat and I took the seat with the padding.

We sat, we stood, and power-peddled our way through half an hour of what I can only describe as utter torture. We finished the class and I collapsed on the floor. I could barely breath and was red as a beetroot. My fanny was paining, but so was my body. Why was I doing this again?

We gave our lady bits a couple of days, but the pain and discomfort never came.

Disappointed with nothing to report and considering scrapping this blog, I stumbled across a study by The Journal of Sexual Medicine. It revealed the serious things a bicycle can do to a vagina and genital sensation. According to researchers at Yale, competitive female cyclists who had low handlebars (forcing them to lean forward) experienced “significantly higher vibratory thresholds in the anterior vagina, compared with riders whose handlebars were level with the bike saddle.”

So there is something in this after all. And while it may be more aerodynamic and higher handlebars may increase wind resistance, I’d rather have some wind in my hair than wind and pain in my lady sails.

*Sergio is actually a very nice man, he’s just far more passionate about cycling than I am.  

 

The Word

The word ‘vagina*’ seems to be trending right now.  Last week, two female Michigan State congresswomen were barred from speaking on the House floor after using the word “vagina” while debating an anti-abortion bill. It has triggered the hashtag #sayvagina on Twitter and, as I have a Google Alert on the word “vagina,” my inbox has been flooded.

I personally don’t have a problem with the word. I use it hundreds of times a day and I bravely put it in the title of my book. The Vagina Buffet was the original title for my book, but when other people got involved, it changed. It went from ‘The Vagina Buffet’ to ‘The V Files,’ then to ‘The Whole Office Knows About my Vagina’ and for a short time, it was ‘The Pink Cupcake.’ Everyone had an opinion on the title of my book and finalising it was making my head explode.

The Vagina Buffet is actually a chapter in the book. It doesn’t refer to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of vaginas, but a statement my Renal specialist made to me during an appointment with him. I had to block out all the opinions on the title and go with my gut. It is my book after all and I stand behind it.  

There has been reactions though, and some not so fun.

When I changed the title back to its original name, several people decided to stop communicating with me. A couple of people have un-friended me on Facebook and many friends declined to ‘like’ my author page. Lots of friends refuse to follow me on Twitter and another friend of mine said if I put the word “vagina” on the title of my book she wouldn’t buy it and she wouldn’t support me. That’s ok. I appreciate her honesty. At least she said it to my face.

I struggled with these reactions for some time, I even cried over them. I like to think of myself as a nice person and even though I talk about vaginas a lot, I’m not dirty, and I would certainly never use the “C” word. I always write as if my mum and dad are going to read what I’ve written.

I’ve had to stop and think of the big picture.

I didn’t write this book to get approval from everyone I know. I understand it’s slightly controversial, but there’s an important message I’m trying to get to women and I’m passionate about doing so. 

I’m beyond grateful to all the people who love what I’m doing and have supported me unconditionally. I’m not going to let a few sour grapes ruin my mission. I want women to love their lady bits and I want parents to talk opening and honestly with their daughters about their bodies. After all, vaginas are special, so special in fact, they have their very own doctor and only us girls have them.

I love my vagina and I’m happy being part of the vagina clan.

How about you? How do you feel about your lady garden and can you easily say the word ‘vagina’ out loud?

 

* Yes, I know the correct terminology is vulva. Please don’t spam me.   

 

My latest pharmacy find

I love strolling the aisles of my local pharmacy, I find something new every time I visit. This week, I found VagiTest – a vaginal pH tester.

I didn’t go to the pharmacy with any odour, itching or burning, yet after seeing the tester on the shelf, I had to know if my vaginal pH levels were imbalanced or not. I picked up the brightly coloured box and hid it underneath all the ‘normal’ stuff you buy, like moisturiser, dental floss and those yummy glucose jelly beans.

Does anyone else hide their embarrassing items under their ‘normal’ items? I wonder how many pharmacy assistants find condoms, lube and vagi testers strategically stashed under regular items? I’m always doing this, even when I’m shopping in the supermarket. I always put my naughty bits underneath nice, healthy fruit and veg so if I run into anyone I know they'll think I’m full-on into the good stuff, when in fact there’s a layer of chocs, biscuits and pre-packaged dinners underneath.

The VagiTest was simple and easy to use. You insert the slim end of the tester into your vagina, the same way you would use a tampon. You gentle press the tester against the wall of your vagina for 10 seconds, then remove it. The package has a pH interpretation scale on it, so you can read your results instantly.

And thanks to my acidophilus yoghurt for working its magic in my fanny - my test result was normal.

 

NB: VagiTest has not sponsored this post in any way, although I should probably approach them for some advertising dollars. 

 

Move over Chanel, there's a new scent on the block!

Jennifer Love Hewitt recently tweeted "I use vanilla extract to attract men." Apparently, she carries a bottle of pure vanilla in her purse and dabs it on her neck to attract the opposite sex.

Yet you're not the first to try something other than the pure floral essence of Chanel No.5 behind your ears JLH. Back in the free-loving decade of the ’60s, it was vagina juice women were dabbing behind their ears. Yes, juice, from their vaginas!

During an interesting conversation with my father-in-law one evening, he was drunkenly reminiscing about his glory days as a young lad growing up in Northern England, courting the local women at the Mecca Dance Hall. It was the usual dance-scene scenario, single lads and single ladies out for a night “on the pull.”

According to paternal-one, it was common knowledge that women seeking men used to put their fingers into their vaginas and place their vagina juice delicately behind their ears. Complicated dating signals were obsolete at the Mecca, just a sniff of the “Canal No.1” (as it was affectionately known) and it sent the hormone-infused geezers mad, and they loved it!

On the second date, they dabbed their lady-lotion on their ankles!

How about you? Have you tried any alluring nectar's to attract a love interest?

SJx

Pink Cheeks Sneak Peek

A sneak peek into a Brazilian waxing salon with Pamela Adlon... enjoy! 

Vajazzling

Cheers to everyone who participated in our recent e-poll "have you ever vajazzled your vajayjay?" I'm thrilled that 25% of you do. I know when I jazz up my 'jayjay' it makes me walk with a spring in my step and a smile on my face.. perhaps you should try it?

Vajazzling (for the 38% of you who asked "what the hell is it...?) is where vaginas meet bedazzling. A freshly waxed fanny is spotted with Swarovski crystals in shapes or initials and there you have it, a sparkly disco ball in your panties!

In the salon, I've been putting bling on people's things for years, but only recently was it made famous by Jennifer Love Hewitt and her post break-up solution for unhappy fannies.

Poll Results In!

Results are in for our first poll "Do you think your vagina is normal?"

Yes 50%
No 4%

Not Sure 20%
Can you tell me what a normal vagina is? 35%
I don't have a vagina 14%

(great to see the guys voting)!

 

Thanks again to all who participated, much appreciated.

Normal

Huge thanks to everyone who participated in this weeks poll "Do you think your vagina is normal"? It's great to see that most of you think so, but some were a little unsure. Let me help....! Now, I'm no vagina expert, but I've seen a lot of them, and i know that there's no such thing as an ugly or 'normal' vagina. They're all as unique as our faces and our fingerprints and individuals as snowflakes.

If we look at illustrations in medical books or photographs in soft-porn magazines, the vagina is normally pink, it's neat and tucked in and has the outer lips larger than the inner lips. It's very normal not to be text book perfect, there's very little out there to compare ourselves with. And besides, if you're flipping through soft-porn magazines, the images have been photo-shopped and digitally butchered just like every other magazine image we are exposed to.

Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes. It has nothing to do with how much sex you've had or how many children you've borne naturally. It's simply the way we are built.

What's your relationship like with your vagina? Can you actually say the word vagina? I'd love to hear from you....!